Pink Puffy Sleeves

2011-08-28T13:03:00.000-05:00

Ugh, Ugh, Ugh. I said recently I was done complaining but I LIED! But it is more complaining about things I can change. So now I am plotting and planning change type things. I am also planning a nap, but that is for later.

Right now, my main complaint is the heat. Every one here in OK acts like the present heat wave is just so unusual. Most summers here aren't THIS hot. I'm not sure how they don't remember that pretty much ALL of our summers are this hot, or very, very, very close.

In short, I STILL dream of living somewhere that has more mild summers and very real winters. I do not, however, want to take another bar exam. So my plan involves waiting until the 5 year mark for reciprocity and then BAM, I'm outta here!

Sharks or dolphins?

2011-07-08T14:08:00.000-05:00

I recently jumped back into the dating pool. I am not sure how great an idea this has been for me. Because my picker is evidently still broken. Basically, don't date guys who can't rock an untucked shirt. There's a reason for this rule.... No clue what that reason is either, but there IS a reason. Just for a minute, do you guys have ANY idea how hard it is to type with a Great Dane on your arm? It is really only kinda hard, like 4 on a scale of 1 to 10. But mainly because her is only 5 pounds right now. I'm going to work on weaning her off the arm laying by next month, when she will probably weigh 50 pounds thereby making it a difficulty of 20 on a scale of 1 to 10.

I really need to talk, belatedly, about the Casey Anthony Trial. I really want to know where I could find a pink tuxedo shirt like that. Soooo cute.

But anyway, about my dating endeavors. What I have learned is that when I date guys with soft hair and green eyes, it is going to fail. Also, these specific guys don't mind it so much if girls lie. So while I was being honest, it turns out lying works better with this specific guy. Since lying is never going to be something I am good at, clearly I need a guy with more coarse hair and brown or blue eyes.

Hey, don't lean on that door lock over there

2011-06-26T14:54:00.000-05:00

I don't think these two are father and son because Billy Bob Thornton is entirely too hot to have spawned Timothy Olyphant. BUT, they are clearly using the same clown to do their dental implants.

Right, well

2011-05-29T10:55:00.002-05:00

At this moment, my dog is barking at the neighbor who lives next door and has made the horrible decision to mow his own yard. He is paying for it dearly by being forced to endure the bark of my annoying, yappy dog. I am even annoyed and I am not the one bearing the brunt of the bark, nor am I mowing. My blogging has been entirely erratic, which is much how I am in person as well. I have come to the realization that if you have ever read my blog, you know that you cannot count on me to return consistently. I am on twitter and facebook and I am consistent to post mindless things on facebook. Otherwise, for goodness sake, do not count on me. My friend, Tori, has been posting consistently on certain days. I like that idea. Being tied down to a specific day of the week frightens me, because I am terribly passive-aggressive and I seriously will not like being forced, even by myself, to commit to something. SO, from this point forward, I promise to post on my blog on a day of the week.

Now, onto the more important things.... Like should I get up or should I take a nap now?

Frankly Scarlett, I don't give a damn

2011-03-04T21:18:00.002-06:00

The best blogging ideas come to me when I am driving and cannot possibly write them down or when I am asleep, when I also cannot possibly write them down because I like being asleep.

So I am going to talk about my upcoming road trip. To the North East Coast. New Englandish. Because it has been a year now. I have not taken a serious road trip in the SUV. For some reason, beyond the hideous gas mileage, I am dreading the beast. Even though it will actually be a great thing for a road trip. We have no set plans except to get to PA and go from there. Prom is coming up. Last year D's dress was from Pittsburgh. Needless to say no one at prom had that dress. This year we are thinking NY, MA or CT for her prom dress. The options are endless. Because that part of the USA is the most awesome.

Just saw Adjustment Bureau today. And that together with recent quotes on Facebook posted by random friends just increase my need to relocate. For instance, the Mark Twain quote about looking back in twenty years.... will I regret it if I don't do it? Why yes, I will. The longest journey begins with the first step. I think I can.

I think I am right here... But I have more...

2011-02-01T17:23:00.003-06:00

I think Jack Nicholson is Leonardo DiCaprio's dad. I have more thoughts like this I intend to share. I am sharing because keeping them in my head makes my head hurt really bad. It is hard to contain it! It is the eyebrows, the eye set, the bags under the eyes, the noses, the hair line (the hair line Nicholson used to have and the one DiCaprio is starting to have....)

The Road

2011-01-23T21:12:00.002-06:00

I really have a lot to say. Thankfully for the lot of you I am not near a computer when my brain flows over with thought.

Tonight, I had to run to the store for ice. My fridge won't make ice until it is hooked up properly, and I have been completely spoiled by not having to hook up the thingy the last few houses and so I truly have no clue and thus, bagged ice. The checker and I had a nice conversation:

C: Uh, it is 8 degrees outside, why do you need ice?
Me: Well, it isn't 8. It is 27. And I need it for my coke.
C: Okay. So, the Steelers are winning.
Me: I LOVE Pittsburgh.
C: Steelers fan?
Me: Uh, City of Pittsburgh fan.
C: Really? Have you actually been there?
Me: Once I drove through there, twice I went there on purpose. Spring Break!
c: For real?
Me: Yep. I want to live there I like it so much.
C: Your kids are lucky. Will you adopt me?

And thus, Pittsburgh really is cool. I KNEW IT!!!!

What I said!

2010-10-29T20:52:00.002-05:00

Tonight, my BFF's son was giving her what for about what type of container he would prefer his dinner beverage in. He was demanding a sippy cup and she could NOT find the lids. Because there are gnomes in her house who clearly steal the lids. I mean, they aren't IN the house, but the break in the house and do bad things like take the sippy cup lids. I think they might also leave the legos out, but there is no real evidence of who is doing that yet.

Needless to say, SOMEONE wanted a sippy cup so his mommy was looking and looking and looking for a gosh darned sippy cup lid.

STERN VOICE L: I. Want. a. Sippy. Cup. [This after multiple other urgent demands]

ME: NO.

L: I was not. talking. to. you. Julie.

BFF: Well, he wasn't. Talking to you that is.

Splintered

2010-10-26T21:47:00.005-05:00

M has foot problems quite similar to my own. Meaning she got them from her paternal side of the family. Or because she has a wee bit of Black Dutch heritage. Anyway, she also has this problem where she walks funny. Not funny like her walking appears funny, but funny where she falls down. Or trips. Or stumbles. And nothing is there.

Tonight, she caught her left foot in her right pajama pant leg and went DOWN. See how dramatic the word DOWN was? That's because she was not breathing, and her face went red, and when they hold their breath like that, it is BAD. That kind of DOWN. I didn't see the fall, but much, much later this is how she described it. Needless to say, it is the foot she has had surgery on for that odd paternal/Black Dutch foot problem. She assured me it wasn't broken, because she could move it. Which I have learned, having broken my own foot (not related to this shared foot problem), that you can indeed move a foot around when broken. Tendons and ligaments are cool like that. If by cool you mean, moving around an appendage with a broken bone and the screaming pain and the screaming pain and the screaming pain..... What were we talking about again?

Oh yeah, so since we moved to our new slightly larger abode we have not hooked up the water line to the refrigerator so we have no ice unless we remember to buy it at the store. That's right, I purchase frozen water. And any reference to "we" means "me" and me alone. I made M lay down and went to get her frozen water. It appears "we" meaning "I" have not noticed that since last night when I last used ice, and this night when I was not the last one to get ice, "I", meaning "we", are out of ice. So there M sits with a bag of frozen peas on her foot, because her foot is indeed swelling (but just ask her, it is NOT broken).

While seated, we went over the pain scale. She said a 5. I then went to the pain scale that I believe to be the most accurate (the second one in the post) and we decided perhaps more of a 6. M of course liked 4, but I told her NO, "we" do not talk like that. "We" meaning "her". Because I talk like that.

Tomorrow if I find out M's foot is broken, I will probably feel bad about this post. But not bad enough to delete it.

Like, um....

2010-08-25T22:08:00.003-05:00

School is now in session, um, and it has been cooler, like, the last day and stuff. Copy that? Me either.

M has decided to run cross country. She thought about it back in May, when the cross country coach put out a summer conditioning schedule, but quickly (meaning immediately) lost interest in running, or crossing, or the country. When school started last week, her friends were running cross country, so like a lemming, she started swimming upstream. Or whatever. Um. So we had to HURRY, like, um, yesterday, to get her physical. No pressure or anything (every 5 minutes, felt like contractions). Finally, I gave birth! I mean, finally, I took her for her physical, TWO days after I was told it needed to be done, like, um, yesterday and stuff. The doctor asked her about her foot pain. Prior to that we had discussed her foot surgery. When asked to describe her pain, she responded, "Um, well, I felt really sick and I threw up and stuff." The doctor had the most bewildered look on his face. I, however, knew she was just on the wrong page. Um, like, we have moved on from the foot surgery and discussions thereof and are now talking about when her feet hurt and why.

The doc checked her spine. To do so, he had her stand, and bend over. Spine? Check! He then asked her to widen her feet to shoulder width. Move feet? Check! He then asked her to squat. At this point, she bent over. Squat? Um, like! At this point, I am trying to do damage control because I am now certain the doctor believes those blond highlights are the natural color and we added in the black brown color for giggles.

Later at home, after going over how much she weighs, I asked her how tall she was. She is 5 foot 8 and 6 inches. Further affiant sayeth not. Or affiant will never stop hysterical laughter.

I lika da books...

2010-08-05T16:19:00.002-05:00

For summer, my vacation has been by reading because I've been too busy to go anywhere (sorry kids, but I will make up for it this fall....). What I have noticed is there are some really great books, and some really not great books, but every now and then I run across a sentence in the book that just cracks me up.

Here are a few for your reading enjoyment:

No checks, no bills, no references, no mobile phone calls - only payphones - no credit cards, only cash - nothing. That's how you disappear in the twenty-first century - you just refuse to take part in it. - William Boyd, Ordinary Thunderstorm

"I'm Gabriel, everyone who knows me calls me Gabe." "I'm Lou, but everyone who knows me calls me a prick." -Cecelia Ahern, The Gift

As he rounded the corner to the bus stop, he saw it pulling away and he took the opportunity to dusty off several of his favorite underutilized profanities. -John Lescroart, Treasure Hunt

Well hell.......o

2010-07-01T21:34:00.006-05:00

I found Waldo. Then I went to look for Chuck Norris. I went to www.google.com. My search? "Where is Chuck Norris?"

Now look what I have done. CRAP! I can't do anything right and now, I have to watch out for Chuck Norris.

In a matter of minutes....

2010-06-29T22:18:00.003-05:00

Tonight, D said to me when I got home, "Were you alone? Or were you by yourself?" To which I replied, uh, depends...... while I quickly tried to think of an answer. I still am not sure what I should have said. Either way, I think I was wrong.

Then M said, "Are you cooking placenta again?" So I showed her the corn, and the chicken. Neither of these, to my knowledge, looks like placenta, raw or cooked. I am pretty sure it was the balsamic vinegar reduction that brought up the placenta, er, polenta.....

I have also been trying out a cheese cook book. Turns out cheese is not so fun with the lactose intolerant crowd. Sorry, gotta go, someone passed gas.....

Row, Row, Row Your Boat

2010-06-14T17:14:00.004-05:00

This morning I was set for trial. In June, I am set for trials on 3 separate Mondays. Therefore, I am taking taking the entire month of July off. In my dreams.

This morning, Oklahoma had some wacky rain. So wacky we might displace the bp gulf coast disaster in national news for at least three hours, maybe four. My client for whom trial was set this dreary Monday morning started calling me an hour prior to trial regarding the rain. To me, we were having a thunderstorm. Oklahoma + storms = the norm. I honestly think Oklahoma must give Seattle a run for their money in the rain fall department. This thunderstorm was scary for my client, who is not from Oklahoma. He was watching the news, which I had not done. The roads were a nightmare. What is normally, in high traffic, a 2o minute drive turned into a 1.5 hour drive. I think it would have been worse had I not driven through some water I shouldn't have and had I not attempted different routes based on the axis of the earth, the amount of rainfall per minute, the slope of the land in relation to whether plumb bob's really actually work, and so forth.

If a small car muddled through a rapid moving flow, I went for it. I'm in an SUV, big, bad, and also very good for the oil companies who are sucking me dry on the whole fuel thing...... When I hit a spot with trucks stalled out, I called it good and turned back for another route.

Trial never got started due to with issues with the roads and the fact that some people opted out of attempting the drive through water. Of course, here is what happens when they do.... So said people made good decisions.

Another client frantically called me because his office, which is like a mile from my office, flooded and the roof also leaked. I didn't hesitate to point out to said client that it is bad form when a roofer's roof leaks. So then I'm sitting at the courthouse, with a trial going nowhere because the Judge and staff couldn't get through the flood waters (where is a helicopter when you need one) and wondering how hard it will be to get back home and if my own office is in a state of WET. Thankfully, my office was fine. My SUV is fine. My house is not underwater. And my yard won't need watered for a week.

Little Johnny

2010-06-01T18:07:00.003-05:00

This morning, my son fake collapsed in the living room after I asked him to pick up a dirty towel off the floor. I knew he was faking when he kept opening his eye to peep at me to see if I noticed his frightening and inexplicable collapse. So I ignored him, and sighed obnoxiously and of course, kept my eye on him to make sure that he peeped at me and saw me ignoring him. Vicious cycle...

He got tired of the charade quickly and launched into me about breakfast and how I hated him because I never got the pop tarts he liked anymore. Ironically, the stores seem to be fading pop tarts out a bit and of late, the stores NEVER have his flavor. This explanation makes my son believe that instead of working at the office, I am spending my days: writing to my Congressman (we need anti E's favorite flavor laws, ban them, that flavor likely had something to do with the current BP oil crisis); the makers of pop tarts (telling them to quit making his fave, stat); the neighbors (asking them to buy his fave flavor up so the store will indeed be out of stock; the milkman (candlestick maker has an unlisted address, I needed someone else); and perhaps three neighborhood stray cats (no impact, but I am powerful and all reaching in my quest to end his favorite flavor).

After informing me that a) I am a terrible mother because I let him collapse and ignored him (told you he noticed); and b) the pop tart debacle, he throws himself down on the couch and tells me he feels ill. I asked him why he feels ill. He exclaimed it was because he was dying. I called him Hannah Montana. He said that every minute that goes by, he is one minute closer to dying. If you have ever seen the movie What About Bob?, you know that there is a death obsessed boy in it called Siggy. My son is not emulating Siggy. My son is just very recently obsessed with death. As a result, my ill and death obsessed son is no longer E, you may call him Siggy. And he is DYING, so come visit soon. Also, bring him some pop tarts.

2010-05-16T21:31:00.003-05:00

Mother Nature is fickle. Aunt Flo, for instance, is a frequent and unwelcome visitor. Some things Mother Nature has to offer are wonderful, for example: some thunderstorms, birds, beautiful trees, etc. Other things can just bite me, and when I say other things, today I mean hail.

Today, I took my children to see Robin Hood. Because we like epic movies. It was sunny and pleasant today. I do not have cable, nor a digital converter box so I had no clue we might be in for a doozy of a storm later in the afternoon. Sure, I have the weather app, but why use it when the sun is shining? I don't need to know much more than that....

During one scene in the movie, there was rain, and some thunder. The next scene was sunny, but the thunder continued...uh, wait... After a moment or two of continued thunder the pounding began, at which point people made like trees and leaved. Okay, some of them did. And so I pulled up the weather on my phone, thunderstorms. For crying out loud, big whoop-di-freaking-do. Or so I thought until the movie theater stopped playing the movie and raised the lights and started lining people up to give them refunds, but also encouraging them not to leave due to the weather. CRAZY HAIL!!!

When I was finally able to brave the storm to get the car, I approached it from the front and saw a few dents on my door, and thought not a whole lot about it. Until I got in. Windows are up, sun roof is closed, and we have a DRAFT. And there is hail on my dash, in my seat, in the cup holders, in the front floor boards, and so on. But at the moment, I see no broken glass. Then I turn in my seat to look back to back out, and oh boy..... I'm certainly glad we were not in the car when this happened. We have damage. And I hope she isn't totaled because I love this flipping car.

Maybe entertainment law, right?

2010-05-11T19:37:00.002-05:00

I thought, okay, this guy is great on the piano. Great? Majorly impressive. MAJORLY. Then he started singing and all I could think is GOOSEBUMPS. And also, I WISH I WAS AN AGENT.

What about this song? He WROTE IT! He's 12. Did I mention that yet???? MY GOSH!

The Wheels on the Bus go, somewhere...

2010-05-06T21:40:00.004-05:00

I have tended to date left handed guys. I don't know why, but that is how things have turned out. Much as I adore men who cook and put the toilet seat down, I also really dig a left handed man. My mother is left handed as is my oldest child, so in many ways I consider myself knowledgeable about lefties. Which brings me to my issue of late, and the issue is toilet paper. I really need answers. I put the toilet paper roll on over, not under. My experience has tended to be, or so I thought, that lefties put the toilet paper on under, not over. My oldest child was schooled from a very early age that only very bad people put the toilet paper roll on under and so, the left handedness and under toilet paper roll installation has not been an issue. My mother avoids the issue altogether by placing the roll of toilet paper in this funky dish and not on a toilet paper holder and thus, it is neither under nor over.

My son has destroyed my pre-conceived notions that it is lefties vs. righties on this issue. Lately, I have discovered three toilet paper rolls put on the toilet paper holder UNDER. So I start doing a query in my household and discover it was MY SON, who is right handed. And instead of being thrilled that he FINALLY learned to replace the toilet paper roll when it was empty, which has taken YEARS, I instead delivered a lecture about the evils of putting the toilet paper roll on UNDER. For crying out loud, OVER. So then I go, hmmmm, is this a left handed/right handed thing or a male/female thing or something else entirely??? Thoughts?

All the cool kids did it

2010-04-30T19:24:00.007-05:00

D has this boyfriend. He's a pretty nice kid. The pretty good kid is also a senior in high school and so, this is it, right? And some memories cannot be replaced. So I kind of pushed the prom ticket because nobody looks back and goes, GOSH, I wish I HADN'T gone to prom. I think it was a good idea, if nothing else because I got great pictures. Also, we got to buy a completely original dress out of state!!!

This is D in her AMAZING dress we got in Pittsburgh, PA!

Christopher, D's beau.

Christopher and D. No one's eyes were closed AND they were looking at the camera for once! YAY!

Christopher and D channeling Will Smith doing a "smile" in Hancock.

D, doing what she does best. That is, terrorizing Christopher....

My FAVORITE picture of all, my darling D, ready for prom!

I will call him Billy.

2010-04-24T16:24:00.004-05:00

Seriously, this kid has potential. I say we put him in a boy band. I guess we have to wait for them to post a video with him dancing before we can be sure.

Sweet One Sixteen

2010-04-05T14:32:00.006-05:00

My beloved D turned 16 two months ago. She is the kind of kid who is more than happy being alone, although she is also sociable when the occasion calls for it. At a birthday party many years ago, she received a Nintendo DS game she really wanted, and as the party carried on, people started to wonder where the birthday girl was. She was in her bedroom, alone, playing her new game. Who cares that the house was full of people who were only present for her. Sheesh. You "people" are getting on my nerves.

Needless to say, for her sweet 16, she really didn't care what we did. Okay, she did care a little; a big party certainly wasn't on her agenda. However, I got spanked on my sixteenth birthday for crying because my dad didn't even say happy birthday to me. And no, I have not forgotten it. So I wanted my child to have a REAL PARTY and for her to know it was a reason to celebrate. But I also wanted her to do whatever she wanted. After all, it isn't my birthday and no matter how much I tend to wish I could live through her, that is just so inappropriate and such. So after no small amount of massive coercion, begging, pleading, blackmail and so forth, she agreed to the sweet 16 party.

The cake is a corpse bride take on sweet 16, done by the illustrious Allison Dake!

Seriously, check out this cake!!!

Look at her, she is SO happy!

Friends!

Wear the feather boa, or I'm taking away your car ALREADY. Blackmail really works!

D in her wicked new coat by her wicked cool cake!

Lots of adult supervision! I mean, adult guests of the party. Yeah.

All in all, good times!

She was never a blonde, not once....

2010-03-20T20:09:00.004-05:00

I have lots of pictures to post, once I get my act together and once I retrieve the batteries for the camera from one child or other's electronic device, said device which would only function with my camera batteries.

This post is about a far more important topic. Blondeness. See, I don't think being "blonde" has anything to do with hair color and has far more to do with your brain and thought processes and whether you like Pepsi or Coke. On any road trip, you have road kill. Frankly, I think that Punxsutawney Phil failed to send out a memo that he saw his shadow to all of his little woodland friends, who came out of hibernation early and became ensnared in quite a woodland friends slaughter. This mainly consisted of o'possum's, which made me happy because I hate those the most. But that is a different post, and I am off track already. See what you made me do? Anyway, while there was a majority of o'possum's, there were also two deer, a few things that were unidentifiable (I am not telling you why, that is disgusting) and more than a few skunks.

Dead skunks stink. There is no doubt about that. What would you do, say, if you were driving down the road and you smelled the odour de skunkes? You roll up your windows (if they are down) and hit recirculate on the air conditioning (if you have that option). We drove by a dead skunk. It stank. M says, "Ewww, that stinks." She proceeds to wave her hand in front of her face and ROLLS DOWN HER WINDOW, which only made the smell worse. She is most definitely a brunette if you go by actual hair color. She has never been blonde in her entire life. Ever. But she is blonde. Of that, you must believe me, because it is true.

Later, perhaps two hours later, we come up behind a semi truck loaded full of eau de cattle. You know that trailer I am talking about, what with shite running down the sides of it in a down and back pattern. Smelly, am I right? What do you do if you are in your automobile and you are behind this semi? We went through this before..... But M, she says, "Ewww, that stinks." She then proceeds to roll down her window, even though she a) sees the semi with eau de feces on the side of it/cow hanging out of it and 2) we have done this drill mere hours before. Rolling down the windows does not stop the smell. It makes it worse. And she really, with utmost blonde sincerity, forgot.

I had to lock the windows.

No airbags

2010-03-16T21:06:00.003-05:00

Things my kids are saying and doing on this most recent road trip are cracking me up. We ate at Beni Hana last night and we sat next to a nice couple. The girl was born in Oklahoma City, which means it is a small world. The girl is a doctoral student. The girl was white. The girl had dreadlocks. This didn't strike me as anything notable. I was all hung up on the OKC thing and the doctoral thing. As we drove back from dinner tonight, 24 hours later, M wants to know about the dreadlocks. She actually knew they were called dreadlocks, which was at least a head start on the conversation. Her question tonight: "How do you even get dreadlocks? Are you born with hair like that?" To which I replied, "yep." I only said that because I don't know how you "get dreadlocks."

Also, we have been watching a lot of the George Lopez show on cable while in hotels. And um, the quotes avail.....

I'm all about the blacktop

2010-03-12T22:53:00.004-06:00

This evening I visited with my sweet Granny Davis. She is getting up there in years and I posted before that I'm pretty sure she doesn't know who I am. But today, she claimed she recognized my eyes. Then, I patted her arm and she said, "Don't do that, it makes me think things are going to blow up." Complete with hand motions indicating the "blowing up." I have great memories of this woman and I have decided I'm not going to let the fact that she doesn't remember it all keep me from remembering.

Would you like some Grey Poupon with that?

2010-02-04T12:07:00.002-06:00

Overheard in a restaurant:

1 - So are you coming to the dinner on the 21st?

2 - Is __________ invited?

1 - Yes.

2 - I'm busy that night.

2010-01-31T09:39:00.003-06:00

I haven't blogged in such a long time that my account went inactive. That isn't to say that there is not a lot to say. Because there is. The big problem is that I forgot it all.

Back in August, D got her driver's permit. She turned sixteen last weekend. I cried. Twice. Mainly because I'm old but also because it happens SO FAST. The sweet sixteen thing will get a post of its own, the moment I find the cord for my camera so I can swing some photos onto the net via that electronic vine! No driver's license yet, thanks to me slacking on the parent taught driver's edumacation, but that comes next week so watch out. That is as much advanced warning as you get.

I had an intern who is now a lawyer, and we got bigger office space in October. The debacle with D resulted in me selling my house and procuring a 4 bedroom. In moving out of my old house, I broke my foot and ankle. I have a hard time sitting still so the healing was SLOW. Lots of changes and some financial hemorraging and things are finally copacetic. I think. But wait, D needs a car. I'm looking for a rich donor.

M has grown like 6 inches in the past 6 months. I am NOT kidding. Okay, I am exaggerating. But, maybe not a lot. I buy her new clothes. She tells me 3 weeks later she has no pants. I ask her about the pants I bought her 3 weeks ago. She brings them in to me and alas, they are now too short for her. Blast it! She is going to be a tall one. Wait, she is already tall.

E is drinking lots of milk and he is growing too. However, thanks to my friends Jefner, he gets amazing hand me downs and won't need new clothes for awhile. He also has the whole braces thing going on which is particularly cute on such a short guy.

All in all, definitely time for a major road trip. March I think.

Is anyone even out there?

2009-11-02T20:16:00.002-06:00

A lot can happen in two months. One thing that has not happened is I have not moved to New York. I remain envious that other states not only GET snow, but are already getting snow. Plus, it was 74 degrees today here in central Oklahoma and I think that is ridiculous in NOVEMBER and I hereby lodge a complaint with the Department of Nothing is Going to Change in this State. Also, mowing. In November. Seriously.

So in the past month, my eldest child moved in with her father temporarily and enjoyed the benefit of having her own bedroom. We only have three bedrooms you see and NO ONE wants to share a bedroom with anyone else, least of all me. M and D, they have personality clashes (which I think are amusing, and they do not). Needless to say, it has been time for a new house for quite awhile, but I LOVE my small mortgage payment, I enjoy my large yard, and I stay here primarily to irritate the crap out of each and every one of my neighbors. I have also remodeled this house from top to bottom and who wants to do all of that work for someone else? Not me.

Irregardless is not a word.

I have sold my house. And I got a good price for it. Tomorrow I find out if the appraiser agrees with said price.

In other news, my eldest daughter's step mother has inspired me to cook more. From scratch. I haven't put this into practice, yet, but I am totally going to. I will, of course, require said step mother's recipes. I will also need a bottle of bourbon. Per evening. But whatever it takes, right?

Last of all, I found and moved to a new office. And now my back hurts.

Entrance Only: Do Not Enter

2009-09-10T20:16:00.003-05:00

Tonight I went to a super cool networking event, referred to as the OKC Tweet Up, and this cool guy named Hector was doing caricatures. Needless to say, I'm hot. I know, none of you is the least bit surprised. You should totally check out his awesomeness at www.hectorlopezart.com.

My daughter just asked me which bill Abraham Lincoln was on. I don't know. I know he is on pennies. I should know more about paper money I think, and less about pennies.

My son asked me yesterday while driving, "So what happens if you run over a Ninja?" Crap, my kids are totally stumping me. Also, I hope I don't run over a Ninja. Cats yes, Ninjas no.

Read on MLIA today about how a little girl wanted to play Cinderella and the mom put her to work, scrubbing floors and such. TOTALLY going to try this with one of my kids. I will let you know how that works out.

Looking for bigger office space, and still not happy at all with Oklahoma, but knowing here is it for a spell. Except it was cooler today and drizzled and was over cast, and so that was completely and utterly okay with me. I think maybe upstate New York is less my style and Seattle is more my style. But I still heart upstate New York a bunch and a bunch.

I'm from Kalamazoo

2009-09-07T21:29:00.003-05:00

My son insists on making sound effects for EVERYTHING. I wish sometimes that he could just walk without sound effects. Or just breathe without sound effects.

In other news, I saw the movie Julie and Julia this weekend. All I have to say about that is BUTTER. Next up I saw Inglorious Basterds. Primarily because when it is hot outside, I have no desire to BE outside. And this weekend was no different than most in what I consider yet another quite miserable Oklahoma summer weekend.

Back to Inglorious Basterds. Rated R, for good reason. The violence in and of itself wasn't over the top, it was the fact that they showed EVERYTHING that made it so disgusting. Scalping people? Showing how that works? Really? I don't need a visual. I totally understand the concept. Still, bravo to Brad Pitt, who is not my favorite actor per se, but who was an absolute hit in this movie.

Finally, my son has decided he hates my job. That's right, the law one I spent three years in school for and studied for the bar and took the bar and cried and wailed and what not. That job. Not sure what on earth he expects me to do about this, er, problem.

M to the A yo

2009-08-27T21:19:00.003-05:00

I'm warning you now. I posted surgery pics. BEWARE. Okay, they aren't that bad, but the drama and build up, man, I totally had you going....

M recently had surgery on her defective foot. When she was born, we tried to return the foot, but guess what, totally can't do that kind of thing. We scheduled her surgery for the soonest possible date, which ended up being the first week of school. BUT, I don't want her in a cast come ice storm 2010, so we got it done the most soonest because it needed to be done. She was back and forth about actually showing up for the surgery, but I explained about the surgeon's time and how much we might still get to pay if she no showed and so she better decide ASAP (because the surgery will help in the long run, but if she is adamant she doesn't want it, it will be a no-go.)

She was pretty optimistic, particularly when she figured out she didn't have to be awake or aware when the IV went in. Unfortunately, this option is not available for grown ups. Just look at her. YAY for surgery. This is a breeze, right?

After surgery, not so great. Turns out, my little M doesn't respond well to anesthesia, despite receiving anti-nausea meds. Not so YAY over surgery afterwards.

AND, I present to you, the foot.... Just be glad I couldn't get close enough to snap shots of the incisions. Those were totally eweth.

She's still having some swelling, but since I had this surgery myself when I was a teenager, I know in the long run she is far better off.

Maybe next time, you should do it yourself.

2009-08-26T16:29:00.005-05:00

I remember when I was a little girl, one of my most favorite things was for my mommy to tickle my back. I would have let her tickle my back for hours without a thought that it might make her tired. I doubt it ever lasted for hours, but the moments in my child hood that stand out as favorites include the times my back got tickled.

My children inherited that selfish vibe from me. I mean, they inherited the tickle back desires from me, without a thought about how tired mommy's arm might become, or how tired mommy might be as a whole. My son, in particular, loves to have his back tickled. He also loves it when I draw pictures and he guesses what I drew, or I draw letters or numbers and he guesses what I wrote.

The other night, I must confess, I was extremely tired when he asked. Extremely tired is the equivalent for me of being extremely delirious. As a result, my son got far more than he bargained for when he asked me for the umpteenth millionth time to draw pictures on his back so he could guess what I was drawing....

I have volunteered my fantastical back drawing skills twice now since then, but he has declined....

I think you've spun off your axis a little

2009-08-23T15:47:00.007-05:00

I haven't written about the rest of our road trip because there is little to write. Won't be making that mistake again. Many of my two lovely readers know my children's full names. We have embarked on a quest to visit cities of the same names as my children and it turns out, those cities exist. So part of our road trip was visiting Wisconsin, where the lovely city of Madison is located. The Capitol of Wisconsin is Madison, and here is the state capitol itself. It is absolutely spectacular. It was like this on all 4 sides. On Saturday, they had a farmer's market that nearly surrounded it. It was interested because it was shaded almost the entire way around it.

Look, it is Madison. All Welcome to Madison and stuff....

Courthouse in Madison, Wisconsin. The epitome of modern and super cool if you ask me.

The highlight of our trip was the drive down to Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Particularly, the drive up and down the coast of Lake Michigan. It rained off and on. And the water in Lake Michigan was on the cool side. It was spectacular. Just breath taking.

Evan riding a crazy log in Lake Michigan.

M enjoying the ultimate cool that is Lake Michigan.

D, who ran into Lake Michigan with her iPod in her pocket. Things did not end well for the iPod.

Look what else we found as headed home.... a town called Darien. We visited Darien, CT back in January.

I got you babe!

2009-08-18T21:17:00.003-05:00

My son, of late, has been something of a little naughtykin. That's like ten times worse than just naughty, when you add the -kin suffix to it. Like BAD, BAD, BAD. Okay, he isn't a juvie candidate, but he could be if the stars don't align and also if he doesn't start minding me NOW. So I told him about the home schooling option, where he has to attend day care during the day, and with the babies, because all of the school age kids are where? Where? At school. I told him all about military school. I even considered taking him to see the jail. Because jails are frightening, and smelly, and rather loud, but mainly frightening. I have lectured the boy for three days straight, and I think he may have finally been listening.

This morning, on the very first day of school, I dropped off my high schooler at the high school, my middle schooler at the middle school, and my elementary student, E, at the elementary school. Elementary school starts at 9:00 AM. At a whopping 9:02 AM, I get a call on my cell phone. It is a saved number, the one for the elementary school. I have ONE student from my household at that school and I went through a multitude of thoughts before answering that call, most of which involved me spanking E's butt until he couldn't sit down, and then some. I answered the phone, and was advised they were holding Evan in the office. What in the WORLD could he have possibly done in 2 minutes? Really? So my blood pressure rose a billion whatevers, and they then informed me they were holding him in the office because I hadn't enrolled him. Unfortunately for them, I am worn out, I was already mad because I thought he had screwed up so quickly, and so, I let them know that he was indeed enrolled and frankly, I am not certain I was very nice about it. All this over a utility bill, that they indeed copied and had on file? Needless to say, my son's butt was spared. However, right hands and left hands, they should definitely be chatting.

**No children or children's bottoms have been harmed. YET.

Pennsylvania University = PU

2009-08-08T09:48:00.006-05:00

On our recent road trip, I am not going to lie, I was definitely disappointed in the flatness and all of the corn. I'm not saying corn doesn't play an important role in life, I'm just saying it sucks to drive through a few states that are nothing but corn along the highways. I'm pretty sure I fell asleep about 3 times, although I can't be positive about that, because I was sleeping.

My son had one of his famous nose bleeds in the car on the drive North. Left nostril. So he had every napkin from the glove box and maybe my sweater. Then I hear the words, "OH NO," so I check my speedometer to see if I'm headed to jail for child endangerment or not having ample napkins in the car for nose bleeds or worse. Then E says, "Now the other side is bleeding too." FANTASTIC. Use the car seat, because I'm not sure what other absorbent things we have in reach, except some feminine hygiene products, but even I am not that low to hand something like that to an unwitting nine year old little boy. Although perhaps he should be a little nicer to me, because I MIGHT. So I make the executive decision as the driver and only adult on the trip to pull over to a gas station in the middle of the corn. All this corn and no E85. I didn't need E85, but whatever. So I decide to take my son INTO the store, thinking I would take him in, get a ton of paper towels, and maybe clean the blood off of his chin, hands, neck, and so on.

Guess what, when people see a child bleeding from his face, they assume he just got smacked by someone, perhaps even a parent, such as, say, me. But he didn't, he was likely picking his nose, or just had a nose bleed as we are so prone to have in my family. Either way, I couldn't have smacked him, I was asleep, or driving, or sleeping and driving. A gentleman in the store kept asking my son if he was okay. I think he was about to take my child bodily from me and run to the nearest police station, which I feel certain was also surrounded by corn. After that confrontation, I decided to just buy a box of kleenex and get out of corn. The clerk at the check out was also suspicious and the more I explained, the worse it sounded to my own ears. Needless to say, I was NOT arrested and we made it to Minneapolis, MN that night. By the way, I always think of Minneapolis as a huge metropolis, but it isn't. OKC is bigger by about 300K people (just in the city). The MSA's are similar, if you are into that kind of thing. Sicko.

Anywho, Minneapolis is a neat place, despite being smaller than I imagined in my head. The downtown area was interesting and there were lots of indie coffee shops/restaurants to keep you sated if you visited or even lived there.

Here's a shot of downtown.

Open Book was a cool place similar to a writer's incubator, with a cool coffee shop and a total NY renovation feel. LOVED IT!

Staircase in Open Book, Minneapolis.

Different view of Open Book, Minneapolis.

I have no clue what this building is, but I seriously think it was the police station. I just thought it was cool. I want a building like that. I don't know for what reason, but I love the roof and stuff.

You really cannot visit Minneapolis without hitting the Mall of America, which honestly didn't seem THAT huge from the outside, then you get inside and realize how very wrong you were.... Here's the amusement park in the middle of the mall. It was awesome!

Then of course we had to visit the amazing Lego store. Where the lego statues were amazing, and I'm sure they would appreciate it if you yourself purchased enough legos to make a statue of your own at home. I didn't fall for that, and my son wasn't happy about it. But oh well. I just think he should be happy I fell for his puppy face and bought him some legos at all.

Left, Right, Center

2009-08-02T21:44:00.004-05:00

I find it a great thing I don't get paid for blogging. Because if I did, I would SO be fired. I'm actually consistently working (not on my blog obviously) and I'm glad because my student loans are the zombie who are going to eat my ever loving brain.... We recently took yet another completely random road trip, primarily because I was losing touch with reality and needed help regaining some solid ground. Okay, really I just needed to get out of this flat and blasted overly hot state for a moment or two. So we hit the road and headed North and slightly East to get to Minnesota, where the days were a balmy 75.

Here in Oklahoma, there are serious limits to what you can do for entertainment. One of the biggest limits is the ridiculous heat that bears down on you like a bus full of people headed somewhere fast. Because of how boring it is here, simple things entertain us. For instance we like cars. One day, we went to eat with my mother and we saw a real live Ferrari. Of course lots of entertaining conversations followed about Ferrari's and how much they cost and how I would never buy one even if I could because I'd be worried all the time. A fender bender in my current car might cost me $500.00. Who wants to guess what a fender bender would cost in a Ferrari? Not me.

The first leg of our recent road trip landed us briefly in Wichita, KS. Partially because I had a bit of work that joined us on the trip. Needless to say, the kids FREAKED out because, OH MY GOSH a 2010 CAMARO!!!!! Who cares that we are in a flat town just like home. A CAMARO!!! A REAL ONE!!!! Did I mention we are easily entertained? I so tried to tell you.

Then on the way out of Milwaukee, WI we saw a lamborghini. And I got in a LOT of trouble because I wouldn't exit when it exited and I continued driving. THE NERVE. But then I remembered that I'm the boss of them and not the reverse and so guess who got in trouble for trying to boss me around? Not me.

I have more to say about the road trip, but for now, enjoy the CAMARO FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.

2009-07-19T19:07:00.003-05:00

I looks like I didn't do it. I is convincing. But reallys, I prolly did it.

No other canines would dreamz of doing it but me. BUT, I playz it off well. They never suspects a thing.

Harry 6

2009-07-17T11:18:00.002-05:00

Last night, my daughter D went to see Harry Potter and the half blood prince and princess with her new boyfriend, who isn't so new anymore, but whatever. Not to be outdone, I took M and E to see it at another, more affordable theater. With much better seating I might add. We got there at the perfect time, about 10 minutes before Harry and the indian blood oklahoma trail pauper started. I haven't followed the Potter saga well because I got on this kick where I thought it was evil, but now I'm off that kick and so to the theater we went. Now I will have to rent the other 5 movies so I know what the heck everything meant in the movie. The movie had been on for about ten minutes when this man says, out loud, "Turn it off." He was on the other side of the theater, but I'm pretty sure more than just the person he was talking to heard him.

My children didn't seem to be disturbed, until the guy said more loudly,"TURN IT OFF." Then the guy yelled, "TURN IT OFF!!!" At this point, about half the theater turns around. I never saw who was yelling, but I did see a guy get up and walk out of the theater. Which makes me think his cell phone rang and he actually answered it OR he was texting. Now, I have texted during a movie because no one can see the light from my screen like you can see the light from everyone else's phone because my phone is special because it is mine. However, I would never answer my phone during a movie. Okay, and I no longer text during movies because I would die from embarassment if some guy yelled at me DURING a movie like that. Egads!

The rest of the movie played without any further excitement, well, except for the excitement that WAS the movie of course. Because that was pretty darn exciting really. That's all I have to say about that.

I think I would like that in either chrome or titanium.

2009-07-07T22:08:00.004-05:00

E has some scrappy teefers. He inherited his father's larger teeth (nothing wrong with that), but my small jaw. At the age of 8, his regular dentist kept giving us referrals to the orthodontist. I took note of that at the age of 9 and lo and behold, our insurance will pay for braces because his teefers are just jacked up.

Say hello to Brace Face.

He is being very bashful about the new metal mouth, and on the drive home from the orthodontist's office, he kicked the back of my seat (which brought me much joy, I love it when they kick the back of my seat while I'm driving [***grits teeth***]) and said, "I cannot wait to get these braces off." He then told me I just didn't understand. Of course, I then planted my foot firmly on his rear end and kicked it. No, of course I didn't do that, I was driving. But I did start a long and rambling monologue about my three years as a metal mouth. I got one sentence into my lengthy monologue, and was interrupted with an, "okay, okay, you get it, I get it, you get it," at which point I just continued my monologue cause last time I checked, I am the boss of him.

We go back next week for more brackets. His teefers were too jacked up to get all of the brackets on in the first visit. I haven't told him yet. And I plan to take a new route next week when we go so he won't suspect our destination until we are there.

Just now he discussed with me the potential for rust on the braces in his mouth. Oh the fun I will have with his braces..... I'm thinking up horror stories right now...

When I say goodbye to someone, I expect it to stick.

2009-07-06T20:24:00.003-05:00

No, that is NOT a pear tree, it is a CHAIR tree. Duh.

Also, yes the grass is dead. Thanks for noticing. The back yard is way too big to water, so I didn't. So there.

Like rearranging chairs on the deck of the Titanic

2009-07-03T09:05:00.003-05:00

I sometimes wonder if the lady in the office next door had any idea that I can hear every single word that comes out of her mouth, if she would talk so loud. I really didn't need to know her friend uses vaginal cream successfully.

So last night, I was showing my friend the landlady video, the one with Will Ferrell and Pearl, the landlord, wherein she proceeds to cuss him up one side and down the other, and although wildly inappropriate, I will always find it hilarious. Before we watched that video, a new video appeared.... Go watch it. Now.

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/6670edb858/match-com-jon-gosselin

I am not going to lie, I had no idea match.com allowed you to do commercials. I am totally signing back up yo.

Teddy had the political acuity of a koala.

2009-06-27T19:08:00.002-05:00

This week, I saw the new Transformers movie. Brilliant.

This week it has been over a hundred degrees every single day. That is ridiculous. The grass is totally tee'd off. So am I. It is hard to breathe. Oppressive really. I'm trying to embrace the summer though, because it is only June, so it won't be getting better anytime soon.

Summery wines are my friend. So is ice cold water!

This week I decided I'm so ready for a vacation. A real one. Where I can relax and enjoy stuff.

This week I hired an intern/law clerk. I'm pretty pumped up about it! YAY for becoming more efficient.

This week I got an appointment for E to get braces. I think he is actually excited about it and I find that adorable.

This week I also got an appointment for M to have surgery on her left foot. She essentially has an extra ankle bone. I had to have the same surgery, one foot at a time. We are going to have fun this summer before her surgery. Because she will be in a cast for 6-8 weeks and that won't be so fun. But she will feel way better.

This week I decided that I can't get rid of the dogs because I'm annoyed. This home is their forever home. I cannot just discard them when I can help make them better dogs in the first place.

This week, I am alive.

I always take no for an answer.

2009-06-14T19:30:00.003-05:00

Recently I started reading this new blog called www.motherhoodinnyc.com. She is one funny cat. She posted recently about her summer reading plan, or books she wants to read this summer, or something like that, and I read the post and then read the comments and created my own summer reading list (not like I needed the help, I love to read, but I'm totally down with broadening my horizons a little at a time, because any more than that and I'm going on strike.) Thus far, I have read some Edith Wharton (not as boring as I expected and frankly very well written). I also read A Fraction of the Whole, a novel by Steve Toltz, and it has me laughing out loud and also struggling to put it down. It is ridiculous on top of ridiculous, but also very poignant. Or something. I find it entertaining. I read The Host by Stephanie Meyer (the author of the Twilight series). This was supposed to be her first adult novel. But to be frank, I found it to be written more on a teenaged level with teenaged simplicity. Nevertheless, I liked the ideas, even though it was predictable.

On top of reading, I am still working on building my solo practice and wonder often during the day what level of insanity made me decide this was a good idea. Also, my couch smells like dog and like fritos. I suspect the frito smell is also a dog thing. I don't like it one bit.

In a Land Far, Far Away

2009-06-02T09:12:00.001-05:00

One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or bitch.

But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day.

The End

There's some pretty cool places out in Queens.

2009-05-31T21:06:00.005-05:00

This week has been eventful. First and foremost, we have progress on the fence. Well, compared to what we did have, which was flat open plains. Right? Now we have those stick things, um, and those are helping, um.... Okay, fine, the fence is still down. Happy now? My fence guy has a regular day job. Darn those day jobs to heck....

This past weekend, I had a house full of darling children, that I enjoyed like crazy. We hit the zoo and there was this tiger and he kept following this guy on the people side of the fence who had an ice chest. Back and forth, back and forth. It was hilarious. Evidently Mr. Tiger gets his rare steak out of an igloo icechest on wheels, eh?

Then this cute little orangutan who just wanted someone to rescue him from behind that mean old glass.

Here are the kids posing. Posers.....

There's all kinds of ways of dying, but only one way of being dead.

2009-05-24T15:42:00.002-05:00

There's nothing like starting your week with a little something like this....

Am I right, or am I right? I know NONE of you have ever heard me complain about the Wind Sweeping Down the Freaking Plains. I may create a new blog category called that, since it happens so often. 6 fence panels down. Wind - 6, Fence ZERO. Oh how my beloved loves the fact that escaping from the safety of our backyard has now become the easiest thing EVER. Joy.

Was that marbles I heard in the bath tub?

2009-05-11T20:42:00.003-05:00

I just wish people could hear the sound effects my son is making as he does his homework across from me here at the dining room table. I am, quite frankly, amazed he gets anything done. Just now he smacked his head with both hands and then advised me, "It's too hard. It's too hard I tell ya." Now he is asking me the answers, like I'm dumb enough to tell him. 1800. And now he is cursing Algebra, except I'm pretty sure there is no Algebra in 3rd grade. But whoever invented Algebra, E wants to strangle you, so just be on the look out for a little brown haired boy making sound effects for everything.

So recently I attended two semi-networking events. Of course, part of the networking event was really just having good old fashioned fun. The first event was Mom's Night Out hosted by MetroFamily Magazine. The event was put together by the amazing Whitney Fleming. It was held at a local indy restaurant, Iron Starr BBQ and was rather pleasant. My law firm (that means me) donated two door prizes to the event because I'm super cool like that. They handed out the cutest little bags full of wonderful things. However, one item in my bag was this tiny bottle of red finger nail polish. Emblazoned across the front of the bottle is the word OBSESSED. Turns out the nail polish is a movie promo and all I can say is SWEET! I love nail polish movie promotions now! Just think, WOLVERINE. Silver polish with fangs. TRANSFORMERS. Yellow nail polish, or black. Whatever. HANNAH MONTANA THE MOVIE. Forget that, too big to fit on a tiny bottle of nail polish.

The second networking event was fun too. But more formal and less networky as it were. More a nice evening out without kids. Which is, in my opinion, a necessity every now and then. But anyway, I was talking about nail polish.... I'm still pretty excited about that.

In other news, people who tweet too much are guilty of having twitterhea. Please take some mylanta for that problem.

Stellar. Simply Stellar. And pimply perhaps as well.

2009-05-05T21:15:00.002-05:00

Guess what internets? I have clients. This is fantastic, right? Because now I don't have time to blog and this saves your eyes, all two of my readers! That is how much myself and my two clients care about your well being. This week, it is only Tuesday and I have been so busy my head is spinning. Now that could merely be because an exorcist is in need, but hopefully that is not the case.

Because I have actual clients and more than one client, I have been on the phone. A. LOT. I use my cell phone for business, 1) because I'm cheap; b) because I think I have plenty of minutes for this, right?; and 3) I'm pretty frugal. So why pay for a land line in the office when my cell phone is sufficient? My logic is undeniable. Which was totally true until about May 2nd of the year of our Lord 2009. See, on or about May 2nd, I was OUT of my 3000 anytime minutes. So I had like 10 minutes to make it until midnight on May 7th. Let's not talk about what those 3000 whenever minutes did to my neck and please don't tell my auto insurer that some of those minutes happened while I was driving, which is a big no-no.

I have been with my cell phone provider FOREVER, meaning 10 years, give or take. For once in my life, internets, I was LOYAL. I was only loyal because I got grandfathered in to this 3000 minute plan for $49.99. So for the second time in my 10 years as a very loyal client, give or take, I was 10 minutes from running over my minutes and I used those 10 minutes wisely, by calling my cell phone provider and begging profusely. At which time my cell phone provider informed me that I was eligible for a new plan, because I had been so loyal. I'm sure this was a load of BS and they didn't want me to switch to Cricket. Anyway, now I get unlimited minutes, plus nationwide long distance, plus unlimited texts, for the low, low price of $49.99. Now that was an offer I could not refuse. So I didn't. See internets, begging works.

With No One As Witness

2009-05-03T16:47:00.004-05:00

I post. I don't post. I post. I don't post. There is no means to the madness. I am trying to get my new office together. Guess what, nothing is free. Of course, I knew that. Case in point, I am not a big fan of flat paint. I find it cheap and relatively useless. So today I purchased the paint I will be using in my office that will do nothing but improve it, if nothing else because it is an eggshell finish and not flat. I want to do something really funky, like this.... but alas, my office is not that big and my clients are not hiring me for my creativity. I figure I can save the funky style for my house, but perhaps being a bit more conservative at my office is in order, since I do live in the bible belt and this is a conservative state. Oh, the suppression.

I find myself with a dilemma. I love my dogs. And I am cheap. So I have dogs that shed, but don't require grooming. Which is great. But along with being cheap, I just don't like shedding. Because dog hair. On everything. Particularly up my nose. Normally I just have to clean more often than usual, which isn't a huge problem except I would rather sleep, do laundry, work, hang with the kids, read, etc. instead of cleaning up dog hair. This weekend, I sucked it up on the cheapness and splurged on a furminator. I am not going to lie, this thing is my new best friend. I love it. Granted, it doesn't work so well on my beloved, who has like the shortest hair EVER, but it works beautifully on darling Skippy Jon Jones, who tolerated being furminated very well. I also think if I ever get a collie, I'm naming it furminator. Because I can.

My son is asking about umbilical cords again.

2009-04-28T20:51:00.003-05:00

The dog keeps licking my heel. So I move my foot. And she follows my foot. What is so tasty about my heel? Don't answer that, I really do not want to know.

I have not wanted to cook this week and so the kids and I went out for burgers one night. I have a snarky sense of humor and some little one liners come to me more often than they should. One of my one liners occurs in a restaurant when a server or other restaurant employee drops something. I always say, loud enough for only my table to hear, "Job Opening." The great thing is, about every other time you eat out, a restaurant employee drops something, so when you so quickly come up with this one, people think you are funny (I just like to tell myself this, the reality is they probably want to stick a nasty gym sock in my throat to make me shut up already.)

About a year or so ago, we went to Chili's for someone's birthday. I think it was my mom's because my brother actually showed up. M was probably 9 or 10. M has pretty much NO filter, which can be entertaining at times, but at other times makes me want to sew her mouth shut. Twice. On this particular occasion, a new server dropped pretty much an entire tray of plates about one table away from us. M announced, in what was pretty much a shout, "JOB OPENING!" The red faced server looked at our table, and then tucked tail and ran to the kitchen. We didn't see that server again for our entire meal. Needless to say, I watch my mouth a good nine times out of ten now, and for nearly 2 years, we have been working on a FILTER. Because there is nothing like being at Wal-Mart, grumbling about a certain something, and having your 10 year old parrot back, "YOU MEAN, ONCE A MONTH YOU BLEED????" loud enough for your friends in Kentucky to hear. LOVELY.

Put in a fresh trash bag please.

2009-04-21T21:03:00.004-05:00

I took the kids to get their hair cut tonight. Evan's hair is just strange and I had her cut his bangs shorter than usual. He loves the shaggy hair thing, but he got his daddy's hair and the shaggy thing will never work for him. I haven't had the heart to tell him. Instead I just take him and go against his wishes while he is strapped down to a chair getting his hair did.

On our way home from the hair cuts, my middle child reminded me that I signed the consent form that allows her to be subjected to the PUBERTY VIDEO. She then informed me of the main rule while watching the video: If you laugh during the video, you have to go to the Principal's office and explain, while looking the Principal in the eyes, what you were laughing at while watching the video. This statement from my child, of course, made me snicker. I'm sure it is the affliction of all superior parents, laughing at puberty and the terms that come with it. And thus ensued a conversation that is probably not going to get me the parent of the year award.

Honestly, why do they make the words that refer to a persons private parts so freaking funny sounding? Plus, kids this age, just starting into puberty, they are nervous and rightfully so. All of a sudden their little bodies change and in some ways that are a little bit alarming (armpit hair anyone???). So when you hear said private part references in what you know is supposed to be a serious context, you want to burst out laughing. Or at least I do. How will I face the Principal when myself when I get called into her office because my daughter laughs out loud at the word vagina while watching the film and explains to the principal that she found the word funny and in fact, I also find it amusing...... This will not end well.

Love is watching someone go

2009-04-20T20:54:00.003-05:00

Tonight my beloved Hammer completed his second of eight training classes. He has known how to sit since he was a wee pup. I was so pumped up about Hammer's mad sitting skillz that I almost bragged out loud when the instructor said we were doing "sit" first today. But guess what, Hammer, my beloved, he refused to freaking sit AT ALL tonight. Needless to say, I was glad I hadn't bragged out loud like I wanted to deep down in the pit of my liver. However, he was da bomb at "leave it." I am hopeful. He can do this, meaning, good Lord I hope I can do this. Because my patience is wearing thin with my beloved.

After I drank my slim fast shake for dinner and did that weird head shake because what did I just put in my mouth, I made a faux pie crust. I did this mainly because I wanted to eat some butter and it made me feel better to add flour and milk and say I was eating pie crust when really a spoonful of butter would have sufficed. I wonder why I like butter so much. Because the ewww factor is there and it makes me sick thinking that I ate butter tonight with my slim fast shake.

Yesterday, I got some new shoes at CATO. I have never purchased shoes there before and I am still a bit unsure about them, but they are comfy. I am sure because I paid $11.00 for them, they will fall apart around Thursday. Until then, I have a cute pair of black shoes to replace my river bottom smelling old pair.

2009-04-19T22:44:00.003-05:00

I'm up late preparing for a hearing tomorrow and my daughter is up late because even though she knew about her assignment an entire week ago, she chose tonight to advise me it is due TOMORROW and she hasn't even started. So alas, she is cutting into my kitchen table space with her blasted Odysseus crap. Who even cares about Odysseus? Because right now, I don't. He can bite me.

So about the precious little bunnies. We got them Goat's milk and this worthless tiny bottle (where a dropper would have been much more realistic as far as actually getting the milk into the bun's mouths). After four days, give or take, or more like 3 days or a couple of days, we had two bunny babbits die on us. Not including the first one who died when he opted to brave it outside in a thunderstorm. All told, we had three survivors who I promptly took to this awesome place called Wildcare. Wildcare takes in the wittle wildlife refugees and nurses them back to health or gets them all growed up and then they release them to the coyotes. No wait, they release them into special areas held separate and apart just for them. So they gets to be big bunnies and do big bunny things. Whatever they may be. Wildcare takes in only wild life, except none of those big means wolves because unh.

Also, my yard needs mowed. Badly. Any volunteers?

I don't do boogers

2009-04-13T22:17:00.003-05:00

Tonight my beloved Hammer had his first "learn how to be a freaking good dog" training class. I automatically assumed because he is evil reincarnate at my home that he would be equally horrid at Petsmart. I was pleasantly surprised. Sure, he got a little pissy with a Goober. No wait, a Google. No, a Doggle. Uh, golden retriever, poodle. One of those. The Goodle was a rather large dog of only 5 months of age. If I thought I could carry a clicker, dog treats and a camera, I would have taken a picture of the Doodle. But alas, years of single parenthood have not equipped me to be able to juggle with expensive-ish electronics.

Doogle was named Rocky. I am going to hazard a guess that he weighed about 60 pounds already. Meaning he was well on his way to BIG DOGHOOD. He was absolutely darling. He also had no idea he was not a little dog, much to my beloved's chagrin. He wanted to play and Hammie was completely run over. I, being the caring and concerned pet owner that I am laughed like a lunatic at Hammer's misfortune. I also tried to give Rocky's owner a high five because her dog was all up in Hammer's grill. Of course, Rocky decided that meant I needed licked. Now. How about now. So whatever.

By the way, we still have five living breathing baby bunnies. With eyes wide open I might add. I have been rather pessimistic about their chances of living, because I don't want the kids to get attached. Even if they DO live, they are not living at my house. Because me + wild animals = no thanks. Dog poo is plenty. Rabbit pellets might just push me over the edge.

Picket Fences

2009-04-12T21:33:00.002-05:00

I'm not going to lie, I am completely in love with this guy's remodeling work. Now if only I could win the lottery or marry rich, one of these wicked dudes could be mine! Exteriors are completely traditional, interiors are New York City. GRAND!

In other news, Skippy Jon Jones remains just short enough to get under the couch. My beloved Hammer can no longer contort himself enough to get under the couch. Therefore, Skippy runs under the couch with toys and laughs hysterically....

What about the place that we call home?

2009-04-12T21:02:00.004-05:00

I was sitting in the dining room, minding my own business, for real, and the kids come in bearing a Speed Racer helmet. I thought, GRAND, they are putting the helmet up, because that's the right thing to do, putting your freaking toys up instead of asking me a hundred bazillion times where your toy is whenever I don't happen to be the one who plays with it. But no, the helmet had contents. 6 teeny bunnies. Thankfully, said bunnies had fur, but their little eyes are still closed and their tails are very tucked and have I mentioned how terribly small they are? So I read up about it, hours after the fact, and discover that the mama bunnies pretty much always abandon the wee bunnies until night falls, when she returns to feed them. Not the best of parenting in my humble opinion, but it does have the element of keeping the rabbit population down, eh?

To be fair, my beloved Hammer was trying to eat one of the bunnies, and that is the reason why my children felt the need to touch said bunnies under the guise of a heroic rescue mission. I frantically tried to figure out what to do with the bunnies and putting them back was deemed the best answer, along with taking my beloved Hammer out in the front for his potty breaks for a few days at least. The following morning, one bunny has left the nest and not survived the night. The children blame me, for if I hadn't decreed the bunny babbits be re-nested, the one named Geek would have survived the night. The mama rabbit has clearly not made it back to the nest (could it be the stray outdoor cat population???). We brought the teeny bunny babbits back inside, fed them warm goat's milk and left them alone all day. So far, no more deaths. Tomorrow is another day.

I'm only happy when it rains

2009-04-09T19:56:00.004-05:00

Every now and then my kids want to help me cook. My kitchen would be considered big, if it were in a studio apartment that is. Needless to say, I'm always worried about some getting their head chopped clean off when I swing around with the chef's knife in hand.

Tonight, I was making chicken noodle soup. E and M were out in the backyard playing screaming banshee or something else loud and appropriately OUTSIDE. I was chopping the chicken into bite sized morsels when E came in and informed me I needed his help. After a rigorous handwashing, he got to place bite sized chicken morsels into the soup pot. Afterwards, I made him wash his hands, like major. He was not happy about the second hand washing...

E: Why do I have to wash my hands again?

Me: You just handled raw chicken, yo.

E: What's so wrong with raw chicken?

Me: Salmonella. It's a bad thing that makes you sick.

E: Well, they shouldn't even be allowed to sell chicken raw.

Breaking A Habit Tonight

2009-04-06T21:10:00.003-05:00

Hammer, my beloved bad dog, has received a death threat. It was anonymous and sent to the wrong address. Thankfully the neighbors who received the letter immediately recognized it was MY dog being referenced in the letter. I think they figured this out because their dogs don't ever get out and my dog has a bad reputation as a neighborhood gangsta. They called to let me know we may have a loose cannon in the 'hood. I know what you were thinking, "not in the redneck state," but boy did you think wrong.

The letter claimed to have maced Hams. It was unsigned, because tough people almost never sign their letters. It said things like fu***ing dog, mother fu**er, etc. But then asked that Hammer's owner be respectful. I think language like that is ALWAYS conducive to respectfulness.

Prior to hearing from the neighbor about that nasty little death threat, I had gone to Petsmart to sign Ham's up for some be nice classes. While there, my car door, which I always hook with my foot to keep it from blowing open, scraped right over my foot and hit the car next to me. A Mercedes of course. My car door would NEVER stoop to hitting a Geo Metro. Damaged my car too. Because in Oklahoma, the wind comes sweeping down the stupid plains, remember? So the insurance company informed me that the claim may not be paid because wind is an act of God.

Now my son is refusing to go to sleep and is instead banging on the wall. Between the Hammer issues, the act of God and the banging....... Why I oughta.....

I don't want to do this if I don't even know what it is.

2009-04-05T19:24:00.004-05:00

My son has been running around like a ninja. He's very creative lately. Since he is being so creative, I decided to tap his brain and here is what happened....

Interview with my son E....

1. What is something mom always says to you?
"I love you" (I was so afraid he was going to say "Quit making all that noise already" but he went the safe route).

2. What makes mom happy?
If I do what you ask me to.

3. What makes mom sad?
If I don't listen to you.

4. How does your mom make you laugh?
You tickle me or you tell me funny jokes. If I finish this survey, can I skip a grade?

5. What was your mom like as a child?
Responsible.

6. How old is your mom?
36 (He's in the dog house, went a little high on that one)

7. How tall is your mom?
3.5 (Uh, okay...)

8. What is her favorite thing to do?
Talk with friends and be with family.

9. What does your mom do when you're not around?
She cries because I'm not around.

10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?
Being a lawyer...

11. What is your mom really good at?
Suing people.

12. What is your mom not very good at?
Reading. (I read all the time, not sure how I'm not good at it...)

13. What does your mom do for her job?
Have clients come in and stuff.

14. What is your mom's favorite food?
Broccoli (um, guess again)

15. What makes you proud of your mom?
She's happy (I think he's getting bored....)

16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?
Scooby Doo, because Scooby Doo's awesome.

17. What do you and your mom do together?
Eat

18. How are you and your mom the same?
We are related.

19. How are you and your mom different?
I don't know (I knew it, he's running out of ammo...)

20. How do you know your mom loves you?
She tells me.

21. Where is your mom's favorite place to go?
Carrabba's (which might be true if they hadn't CLOSED).

Super Massive Black Hole

2009-04-02T20:51:00.005-05:00

I have been looking for office space recently because working from home is less than desirable. At first I loved it. But my 'office' is in the dining room, the only dining room I have. So when the kids get home, or prior thereto, I have to pack it all up. So my work hours are limited. And my house is SMALL. So I have no other extra space where I can do this thing that pays my bills. The good news in all of this is the fact that my environmental footprint is smaller. I hope.

As a result of a near nervous breakdown from single parenthood, I have had little to say this week, except the gripe above about how badly I need SOME EXTRA ROOM! Well, and also the moaning and groaning about my beloved dog. So I decided today to post a few photos from our road trip in like February and to promise that next week, I will be semi-sorta-funny again.

This is Hammer, hiding underneath my leg (and yes, dangerously close to the gas pedal) in the floor board of my car on the way to the kennel. I spelled kennel when I told them kids of our destination, so NO, he has no clue where we are headed.....

Driving into Pennsylvania. Look Ma, SNOW!

This is a fantastic church in Harrisburg, PA.

Downtown Springfield, Massachusetts.

E on a back street in downtown Springfield, Mass, where we ate at a little German restaurant that was frankly not that tasty. I always like to try local flavor, and this time, we picked a loser.

Then on the way home, the St. Louis Arch, the Gateway to the West. More like the Gateway to Julie's personal HELL!

The arch is, um, TALL. When you go up in it, there is a door on the little cars, and you can FREAKING SEE DOWN, DOWN, DOWN.... I'm scared of heights. But I wanted my kids to do this thing, so I did it, white knuckled and pretty much on the verge of throwing up the ENTIRE TIME....

Requisite kid pose near the St. Louis Arch.

Last but not least, a shining example of my children entertaining themselves well on road trips, I present to you M and post-it note fun!!!

Don't let anyone tell you can't make a difference. You can.

2009-03-31T20:16:00.003-05:00

My middle child M's class recently participated in an incredible event called Respect Diversity. Respect Diversity does an art contest each year and this year's theme was "Rainbow of Color". M's class got an honorable mention for their submission, titled Rainbow Peace Wheel. Tonight they held the 2009 Respect Diversity program. Since M didn't really have to DO anything for the program, this is the kind of thing I normally would have tried to avoid. But we went, because I'm self employed and things like this are part of the reason.

So we went and listened to speaker after speaker, and then Respect Diversity gave a 50 anniversary Humanitarian award to Clara Luper and some of the kids (now very much grown ups) involved in the Oklahoma City sit in back during the Civil Rights Movement. CLARA LUPER WAS THERE. What an amazing icon of American history. I am in awe. For once, I am thrilled I went to one of these things. Perhaps I should go more often. The bump on the log thing is not becoming.....

I'm not sad about North Carolina's win this weekend.

2009-03-30T09:33:00.004-05:00

Ya know, this past week was really crazy. And today, I'm not happy. My beloved dog Hammer is Naughty. So I purchased for my beloved a shock collar. Guess what, shock collars are USELESS when not turned on. Hammer gets out of the fence and into the neighborhood and to all who decided to take advantage of the weather, or who are simply IN THEIR OWN YARD taking out trash or cleaning out their car in their own driveway, or maybe enjoying an ice cold beverage, BEWARE.

Last night, Hammer went out in the back yard with his shock collar on. I am a single mom, so I delegate this chore to my children sometimes. Because it is impossible to keep up with the path of destruction left by three kids and two dogs.... It's definitely time for them to get off their duffs and maybe DO something sometimes besides breath, eat, play and poop. Before I know it, Hammer is out in the street in front of the house. Chasing him is a BIG JOKE because he will just run further away. So I try to figure out HOW he got out. Could be because the kids LEFT THE DANG GATE OPEN. I grabbed the remote to the shock collar and went after Hammer. I hit the vibrate button. No response from Hammer. I hit the shock button. No response from Hammer. Guess what, no one turned the collar itself on. And they left the gate open.... WHAT THE F????

Well great, no way to corral the little bugger. So I start warning the joggers and walkers going through the neighborhood near my house. I jogged alongside two joggers and told them my BAD DOG was up ahead and he would run at them, barking (ask my middle and oldest child how they encouraged that behavior in him....). They responded that he couldn't be as bad as this little spotted dog, about 20 pounds, brindle, who terrorized them a lot of the time. That little spotted dog, about 20 pounds, brindle? That's Hammer. The last straw for me was when Hammer cornered a guy walking his small daughter in a stroller. I've no clue how to get past the fact that my children are the reason he is out doing this. They think it is "funny" when he goes into attack mode. Tell that to the man trying to protect his toddler daughter in who was trapped in a stroller. HA HA HA! I need a beer. Stat!

Now ask yourself, what do we eat?

2009-03-22T12:17:00.003-05:00

Last night my friend Whitney came over to talk loan consolidation. Loans being law school student loans, the kind you don't pay off until you are 85 years old. The kind you hope are forgiven based on the fact that you are cool and so therefore, you shouldn't have to pay them anymore. Unfortunately, nobody is that cool, not even me.

Recently, I had to purchase a shock collar for my beloved dog Hammer. Because he is naughty. Of late he has gotten out of the back yard and chased joggers, the neighborhood stray cats (okay, he gets gold stars for that endeavor), and anything else that moves up and down our street. The last straw was when Hammer went after a walker, a kind gentleman walking his toddler daughter in a stroller. The shock collar came in last Wednesday. Hammer tried to escape from the backyard, and after a little shock, he's been just perfect. Really. A good dog for once. I mean, I love him, but he is so, so terribly naughty.

Last night, while sipping wine and chatting with Whitney, my son let Hammer into the backyard. Nothing unusual there. But when Hammer came back in to the house, the fantastic shock collar had gone AWOL. It took me a little while to realize the collar was missing and I was disappointed. We'd had it less than a week and it was already gone?

Immediately I thought was that one of the kids removed it and I just wasn't paying attention. Along this thought line, I yelled at my children, "WHERE IS THE NEW COLLAR?"

My son pops over to the table and states, "D. A. M."

My first thought, my sentiments exactly. My second thought, why did he just spell damn? (albeit not exactly the correct spelling for this situation) Uh oh.....

Me: "What?"

My son: "D. A. M."

Me: "Excuse me?

E: "Don't Ask Me."

Me: "Okay." {thank goodness it wasn't the other dam(n)}....

She looks at me with venom in her eyes and it is getting on my nerves

2009-03-17T21:17:00.002-05:00

Today was quite an adventure. I worked a little in the morning and then I went to assist my mother with an endeavor called Lunch on Noble. Lunch on Noble is a ministry that feeds disadvantaged people lunch on the weekdays every single day. D and E went with me and they were so helpful and it was really nice. Well, anything is nice compared to the constant fighting among siblings, the fighting that makes the alternative of stabbing myself in the eye seem like the wise choice.

After Lunch on Noble, the kids and I went to pick up M and ran some errands. One of those errands signifies the truth about me. I am OLD. My daughter is able to get her driver's permit in July. Driver's Ed is not the cheapest thing in town, although I wasn't facing debtor's prison over it. I just have this problem with parting with my money. Last night, at the escondido, I was reading some little weekly publication put out by the brilliant people who market our fair city. And there was an ad for driver's ed. Parent taught driver's ed. Guess what, it is WAY cheaper. So now, I am a teacher. And all of you should stay off the roads.

I also mowed my yard today. It is only March. It is already too hot outside to grill. I am not kidding. It is ridiculous.

I have a Coca-Cola problem.

2009-03-16T21:01:00.003-05:00

Tonight, both of my daughters are having sleep overs at someone else's house. YAY! With both girls out of pocket, I always like to go do something with my son, just the two of us. Tonight we went to visit our favorite escondido, Ted's. It is a popular place and you almost always have to wait a spell before being seated. To entertain himself, E held the door open for people coming in and out. He did so without cheer, but everyone was very kind to him. A few people offered him tips and that got a grin out of him. At one point, I went in to visit the ladies' room and when I returned, E advised me that everyone had been saying thank you except...... me. I didn't thank my own son for holding the door open for me. How RUDE.

Well, I am sure you all know Karma, that ugly thing that rears its head more often than not. Tonight, I got a visit. I am pretty sure it was because I was so lacking in manners with my own child. You see, when I sat down on the bench to await the call of my name telling me dinner drew near, after visiting the ladies room, the underwire in my bra snapped and came through the fabric at about the mid point. I am not a big fan of being stabbed by random metal pieces. And indeed I had been. I have a bloody scab to prove it. No, I will not show you.

I'm lame. I cried during Hotel for Dogs.

2009-03-15T17:04:00.003-05:00

D: What is this? [as she unloads the dishwasher]

Me: A bud vase.

D: A butt vase?

Me: A BUD vase, with a d. But you can call it whatever you want as long as you just put it up.

D: I'm going to call it a butt vase. I am going to name it Julie.

[Me thinking.... GREAT]

You caught me under false pretenses

2009-03-13T18:58:00.005-05:00

I do hereby acknowledge and declare that I have flaws. There, now that I have made my declaration, I can proceed to eviscerate some flaws I found rather distasteful today. I took my children to the movies this afternoon. The wild weather fluctuations have made my face hurt, almost like I fell on it, except I didn't fall on it at all. Needless to say, I might be a little snippy right now, but I don't care. I'm going to turn my filter off and say things I will regret later.

Don't come to the movie theater after not bathing for 48+ hours and having smoked the entire time. You smell bad. My nostrils are burned from the stench. If Dwayne Johnson hadn't been so pretty and inviting on the big screen, therefore providing a wonderful and pretty constant distraction, I would have vomitted from having to smell you the entire time. I guess I don't understand the logic, but evidently smokers think they smell smokey, therefore, why bother bathing, because smoke odour should totally cover BO/Poo Bottom. Right? Not so much. Instead, said smokers smelled like BO/Poo Bottom/AND SMOKE. Not what perfume designers are clamouring to bottle and sell to unsuspecting consumers. Eau de PooSmo. Catchy, but not fragrant in a good way. Also, SHUT UP. I did not pay money to hear you talk. I paid money to hear Dwayne Johnson talk. K? That is all.

I will soothe your pain

2009-03-13T13:18:00.003-05:00

I have plenty to talk about. I have it all stored up around here somewhere. But alas, there is so much data I am having retrieval problems. Maybe it is my firewall. Because I am figuratively brain dead right now, I am doing a Meme (I still don't know that actually means, but that hasn't stopped me yet).

This Meme involves our good friend Google. And you google "{your name} thinks" and "{your name} doesn't" and then list them, 5 of each. See, no challenge in that at all. If you are reading this post, consider yourself tagged.

THE THINKER

1. Julie thinks Kevin is a psycho.
Oh Kevin, I didn't mean it at all. Sorry it is all over the internet now.

2. Julie thinks she's a nun.
Well, duh. I mean, I can't have angel wings, being a nun is the next best thing, right?

3. Julie thinks she has 40 dollars.
And it was wishful thinking indeed.

4. Julie thinks of a unique way to tell the public of the eagles’ plight.
Sniffle

5. Julie thinks Dorothy is a lesbian.
And now Dorothy knows the sordid truth about what Julie thinks about her....

TO DO OR NOT TO DO

1. Julie doesn't locate utilities.
So quit asking.

2. That fact that Julie doesn't write love songs is just the tip of the proverbial iceberg.
Just a second, I am looking up the word proverbial.

3. Julie doesn't have any stickers.
But she prefers the scratch and sniff stickers, if you are so inclined.

4. Julie doesn’t do diagrams on the board or long dissertations.
I also didn't do Dallas. Wasn't me at all.

5. Julie doesn't have any current challenges.
Julie is also a liar.

All right, now you. And GO!

Pure Energy

2009-03-12T20:21:00.004-05:00

She pulled her seat belt on and we backed out of the driveway and onto our street and then proceeded to drive out of our neighborhood, while the rain/sleet/whatever hailed down on our car in a fury. My oldest child looked at me fearfully from the passenger seat. Her bottom lip quivered as she attempted to form the words, "Are you going to make me walk home today?" Now, I am never cruel or mean to my children. EVER. But today, I couldn't help myself. So I looked at her solemnly and announced that I had court and therefore, we had no options. She would have to walk and I really hoped she remembered one of the umbrellas. I then resumed singing along with the song on the radio and tapping my fingers non-chalantly on the steering wheel. I just want you to know that I consider it a work-out how hard I had fight to hold my breath to keep from bursting out laughing. I was able to keep the serious facade up for an entire 40 seconds. Of course, by the time I mentioned I was kidding, she had made the decision to ignore me the entire rest of our 5 minute ride. What EVAH.

I got a request to post photos of our new dog. The problem with that is she is YOUNG and she has all of this energy. If doctors could tap that energy, they could totally make a new diet pill and make millions and millions. Plus, think about how much you could get done if you were never tired. The point of this paragraph is that our new dog is very hard to photograph because she is THAT busy. I'm going to give you a visual of what she looks like though, because I am nice like that. There is a movie called The NeverEnding Story. In that movie there is a white dog with scales, who also flies, named Falcor. Skippy doesn't have scales, and she isn't white, but she reminds me of Falcor. If her name wasn't so cute, I would totally have to call her Falcor. She loves to take toys from Hammer and then run under the couch. She is just short enough to get under there. Then he barks and carries on because he can't get to her. Anyway, I made D hold Skippy semi-still for a photo! It sort of worked.

She has these short wittle wegs and she RUNS as fast as she can and I talk for her in a high pitched voice. She cocks her head when I talk for her like that and I know she is thinking, "My, what a cute voice you have given me," and is not in fact plotting to murder me while I sleep because she would totally sound like Zooey Deschanel and not a nagging wife if she really had a voice.

Hi Aunt Sandy!

2009-03-10T21:42:00.003-05:00

I just noticed in my little feed that my Aunt Sandy has come to see my blog, all the way from the beautiful state of Pennsylvania. HI AUNT SANDY!!! I'm sorry there haven't been pictures or fun kid stories lately. It is because my camera is out of commission. Every time I turn on the camera it says "card not initialized." Before all of my friends tell me to take it out and put it back in, I did that. I also did everything the owner's manual said to do. So now, we wait.........

Freakishly Awesome

2009-03-10T20:06:00.002-05:00

Today, Chuck Norris turned 69. That is 70-1. I am in shock. He seems so 40-50 to me. If you talk to him, tell him I totally meant that in a nice way. I don't want him to knock me into next year or something.

I have discovered this week that there ARE limits to how nice I can be in any given case. In dealing with some people, I would really like it if Chuck Norris was my co-counsel. Then I could be like, "You don't want to give me income information even though you have to under state law? Hmmm... Chuck, what do you have to say about this?" Now, Chuck moves pretty fast, so I don't know that we will ever know how he handled the situation. But I assure you that my opposing counsel would never give me lip about giving me stuff they are required to give me EVER AGAIN. I wouldn't even be smug about it. I would be all nice, but don't think I wouldn't remind them about Chuck if the need arose.

Unfortunately, Chuck is not a lawyer in Oklahoma. I am at a loss. I am not even sure it is considered being "nice" if you are gritting your teeth and talking in a monotone. So instead of sticking my foot up opposing counsel's, uh, well, I am talking about them here, to the world wide web. And let this be a reminder to stop making me so angry.

Getting the carpets cleaned. Which is why I hate carpet.

2009-03-06T10:14:00.004-06:00

On the radio this morning, I heard that it is not Daylight Savings Time, it is Daylight Saving Time. Do you know what this means? I have been saying it wrong my ENTIRE life. Read if again if you are sitting there going, wha?

I really don't mind springing forward. But falling back is my favorite. Of course, I associate the falling back with fall and then winter and of course, those are the months where I do not have issues with being TOO HOT. Yesterday, it bordered on hot here. Today, it is supposed to reach 86 degrees. In the first week of March may I remind you. My projections indicate that we will reach 100+ degree weather by May. By then, I will have packed and moved to Canada. Don't worry, I will send you a post card.

2009-03-02T19:34:00.002-06:00

Tonight, I decided we were having eggs, bacon and toast. Completely uninspired. I have recently gotten more, uh, public service oriented. Right? I am trying to reduce my environmental impact and stuff. SO, I got cage free eggs, because chickens have rights too. Also, because somehow if chickens are out of cages, the environment smells better or something. So there I am, cracking open the eggs, when I discover a dark brown ball of something in one of them. I tried to ignore it, so then I cracked open egg 7 in a series of almost a dozen. And IT had some red stuff in it. Like blood. Kind of a lot. For a larger person, I am VERY picky about my food. And the embryo and subsequent bloody mess totally ruined the egg thing. So after I threw up a little bit in my mouth and removed the evidence, we did quesadillas. And bacon.

Then a guy called. And basically accused me of NOT being an attorney. So I told him he could.... Wait, no, I told him he could verify my veracity, intergrity, and such at our bar association. Which he should have done before he called to accuse me. I mean, he could have eliminated the call to me. Then I never would have known that maybe I wasn't an attorney after all.

In other news, our female rescue doggie, Rennie, well, she got the snip this past week. Primarily because I think it is the responsible thing to do, but also because a certain cocker spaniel next door has been coming over, asking if he can take her out to the drive in. Like I am falling for that. E, my nine year old son, was curious about this surgery. So I told him a LOT without really telling him anything. Then he wanted to know if it hurts when you have a baby and they cut the cord. And about how they have to cut the cord at both ends. I suppressed my laughter. Then I weighed the outcome if I told him about the placenta, and how the mother doesn't feel anything, and then I lied and told him baby's come when the stork brings them. The cord, it is a thing of fiction. Also, don't worry. You are a boy and boys do not have to deal with such things.

Talk about up hill, both ways, in the snow...

2009-02-26T14:34:00.003-06:00

My ex, D's dad, has been comical lately. All of this is according to D, who regales me with stories. Complete and utter hearsay. So, in keeping with my current privacy policies, I am putting it on the internet....

1) Line in some war movie "Fire at will!"

My ex: "How do they know which one is Will?"

2) To his current wife in the store, "I'm telling you to kiss my butt in my mind, but you can't hear me." She is used to his shenanigans, so I'm sure she ignored him.

I talked about politics. My bad.

2009-02-24T22:24:00.003-06:00

We are going to discuss the origin of the word playmate.

In the wild west, parents made their children work. A lot. And when the children played, on those very rare occasions, it was normally with siblings. Those siblings would go out and find a tumbleweed, and that tumbleweed fulfilled every little dream in their very vivid imaginations. Well, sort of. But the biggest dream of little Billy was to be popular. And when he made friends with the Capulets down the way, he became friends with their daughter, Roma. Well, back in the wild west, no way did you let a little boy and a little girl play together, because they might play doctor or something else equally terrible. So the parents arranged play dates, with strict supervision and thus, Roma and little Billy became playmates.

Since the 1900's, the word has evolved. You see, once we had the luxury of refrigerators INSIDE OUR HOMES, then people wanted to go mobile. I mean, the horse and carriage thing was quickly moving into the past. Thus the start of the playmate (TM) brand ice chest. Oh yeah, now, the little Billys of the world and his siblings, could take their tumbleweed show on the road and have an ice cold coca cola and some cold cuts on their way!

Then a nasty publication, who shall not be named, commandeered the word and made it distasteful. BUT, I think we the people can restore this word to its rightful place in this world, as a word between two darling and innocent children who have no intention whatsoever of playing doctor.

This has been a public service announcement.

Have I mentioned I am a nerd?

2009-02-23T16:29:00.003-06:00

THIS is hilarious. I only wish I had thought of it first. Having said that, feel free to donate to the March of Julie anytime. I will even put a little paypal link on here. And you, internets, you should be givers! Okay, okay, totally kidding. I don't know how to add things like that to my blog. Lucky you!

In other news, it has been overcast and windy today, and I loved it. Also, I had a mountain dew today and true to the rumors, it had enough caffeine to perk me right up! Ahoy!

I had a good hair day and had nowhere to go.

2009-02-22T19:08:00.004-06:00

Prior to leaving for our most recent road trip, my dryer was on the fritz. It had taken to sampling items of clothing and generally discarding them after a few nibbles. I, ever hopeful, kept using it and thinking maybe this urge it had to nibble on things would end once it realized that clothing was not tasty. A few weeks before this, the dryer had been making a horrible racket, but it was clearing up, so my hope it would quit the munching was based on something. I also prayed a lot. Which helped me stay calm, but did nothing as far as dryer repairs went. We left on our road trip and the part of me that suffers from zero logic didn't think about the laundry we would accumulate on the trip, plus the laundry here I hadn't been able to do because the dryer finally choked before the trip.

When I got home, there was ALL of that laundry. Mocking me. So was a LOT of work that built up while I was gone. So I tackled the work and worried myself over the need for a dryer. I shopped online, read reviews, and was getting more and more discouraged with the options. The options, of course, were limited by my budget of next to nothing. I really wanted one of the new ones with the little circular doors, but most of them exceeded the wee budget too.

Once I got to the store, I discovered something about dryers with the little circular doors. The opening is TEENY. I do a LOT of laundry. That teeny opening immediately put those out of the running. I don't want to hurt myself trying to contort myself to get laundry out of a basketball sized opening. I am not that talented.

But then, in the clearance aisle, I saw my one true love. Okay, not really, but it was a dryer, a Cabrio Steam Dryer by Whirlpool. And the opening is BIG. It was only clearance because it had some scratches on it. Scratches you would never notice unless I pointed them out. And it WORKS! It doesn't taste test the clothing. What's even more awesome, it dries as fast as the washing machine washes, sometimes faster.

Just look at it! I am embarassed that I am this excited over an appliance. But there you have it.

Because I'm the mother, that's why.

2009-02-20T10:16:00.003-06:00

I have decided to be more public service oriented. This change is coming about due to my recent road trip. You see, there are lots of towns with fairly odd names. I think people need to be aware of why the names of the towns are what they are. As a result, I plan to give you a brief history of several town names I came across. Why? Because you need to know.

One thing I noticed is that in Pennsylvania, many of the towns end in boro, ville, ton, town, etc. I think this is because the people naming the towns lacked a certain creativity. Or, they were lazy. Some of the names of towns, in more states than Pennsylvania, defy logic.

Today, we will be discussing two towns.

1) Doolittle, MO. This town is named Doolittle because someone is a fan of Eddie Murphy. That someone is has been declared incompetent. But they had already printed the highway signs and some fancy city letterhead, and the name stuck.

2) Krumville, PA. Here is one of the "ville" towns. Which plainly tells you that KRUM is all someone came up with for the town name. Krum was a sargeant in the war. Maybe the war on drugs. I'm not sure. Anyway, he got in a fight with the City Council of some other town, Something-ton, because they would not allow him to park in handicapped parking without a permit. So he huffed and he puffed and with the large acreage he inherited, he created his own little town. He named it Krumville because if he just left it Krum, it would be too easy to say Krummy. The "ville" kind of puts a stop to that kind of nonsense.

Crack-a-lackin

2009-02-19T21:28:00.002-06:00

We recently took a road trip. Because I hate Oklahoma sometimes. Particularly the fact that it has been warm and I now need to mow my yard. It is only February. We played several road games, two of which we made up. Here are some things I learned on this road trip:

1) I do not know how to play air violin. I am now banned from playing air violin. I am, however, still allowed to play air guitar.

2) My son is a sore loser. This is particularly awful when he is sitting behind me in the car. My seat takes the brunt of his loserness.

3) I get sleepy driving when the sun is shining. Overcast and nighttime, no problems.

4) My kids will take any opportunity given to talk about bodily functions. Even if the opportunity did not exist. They will make up an opportunity and take it anyway.

5) I enjoy snow. I enjoy the cold. I do not enjoy bone chilling wind.

6) Semi's scare me.

7) My gosh there are a lot of semi's.

8) Oklahoma has fantasticly fast speed limits. Other states don't compare.

9) The East coast does not do Dr. Pepper. I personally don't care about that, but for my kids, this is a deal breaker.

10) I actually missed my dogs. A lot.

It is raining in Forks, WA

2009-02-14T19:56:00.004-06:00

We are in Pennsylvania. It is snowing. We are SO excited. Because, hello, SNOW. Madison has cracked us up with her inability to read things correctly. She argued with me about some issues with her deodorant. She told me the Save deo was giving her a rash. So I argued back that it was Suave, not Save. When we got to our hotel room, we discovered that it was SURE and we were both wrong. Except I was totally right, it was not Save. So see, totally right.

2009-02-11T18:41:00.002-06:00

Internets, I am always politically correct. Okay, perhaps I am not. But I have tried to be PC a few times and so I would like a gold star on my chart for effort.

Having said all of that, I think I take issue with OctoMom. Part of me goes with the people who say "ignore her" because if you talk about her, she is getting attention. And I sort of believe this, because she had all of the babies to fill some void in her heart. Evidently, being an only child makes your childhood dysfunctional. So having eight babies fills that void. AND gives you a LOT of attention. She hired a publicist. So my question is, is she filling a void or getting a lot of attention? She has a new website, dedicated to you sending her money, or you can send diapers, but mainly, please send her money. That lip plumper she has will only last so long and she will need some more, and also some more fake nails.

On another rant, the groundhog did see his shadow I think. I believe that if he does, we get 6 more weeks of winter. The shadow thing, it is weather gospel. Which begs the question, where is this 6 weeks of winter??? Because last time I checked, tornados are not a winter thing per se. Even the national weather service reports that Oklahoma rarely gets tornados in February. Rarely being FORTY-FOUR times since 1950. Last time I checked, 75% wouldn't be considered "rarely." Whatever, tornados are for the SPRING. Okay?

Okay, a lot of this post and my past posts are griping, so I do want to mention that I love IKEA and also etsy. Also, sleeping is one of my favorite past times and I get to do that every night. Also, I have a new vacuum. So life is good.

I love Bob Marley.

2009-02-10T18:18:00.002-06:00

This morning was really rough for me, primarily because this Oklahoma weather is killing my sinuses. It is also making my two oldest children ill. So I cannot tell you have fun that is! Adding to my love of this God forsaken state was the merry go round that made up my afternoon. The problem with said merry go round, it just kept going faster and faster instead of slowing down and stopping and that is why I think carnivals have salmonella.

I had Court in a far western town this afternoon. I got there, and things drug on and on ad naseum. While we were negotiating, the skies started to get black and the hail came down. In the midst of all of this, tornadoes. The District Judge came around and advised they were shutting it down. Directly thereafter, I got good news on my case. BUT, I discovered my children were in lockdown in their respective schools due to the weather. Remember where I am folks? A far western town. Approximately an hour away from my children, who were in lockdown and I am positive just wanted their mommy. I had to wait for the weather to semi-clear and then I drove. As I drove East, the sky continued to clear up and I was pretty excited. Then I heard on the radio that another round was starting right where I had just been. It was RIGHT BEHIND ME. The sky was black. So I drove faster and tried to stay ahead of it. Granted, tornadoes are completely unpredictable and staying ahead of it is really not how that would work. But whatever. I got my kids (one of whom had finally been able to reach me and was really wishing his mommy would come to pick him up from the lockdown). Boy was he surprised when I showed up at his class room right as he hung up the phone.

Speaking of hanging up, have you ever had a person, place or thing in your head that you clung to, for whatever reason? I have one. It's a house, made of stone, out in the country. I see this house when I read books when the author describes a house (of course, this never works when the home described is made of brick). This is it. I don't know why I love it. It would be a complete and utter nightmare. But I like this idea. Plus, Pittsburgh.

2009-02-05T20:43:00.004-06:00

I took everyone's vacuum advice to heart. I knew I wouldn't make it one more day with the Kenmore without ripping someone's hair out (not my own, I have an image to maintain for crying out loud). See, do you SEE how the canister mocks me?

While I loved J's advice, a Rainbow is simply not in my budget. And there were no garage sales. So I scoped out the Bissell's AND bought one. I cannot tell you how fast the canister filled up. Wait, yes I can. FAST. Of course, we've gone almost two weeks with a defective vacuum, so the new one had its work cut out for it. But don't worry, I gave it the mandatory federal lunch and breaks.

There is always a dilemma when I buy something new. The dilemma is this: THE BATTLE OVER THE BOX!!! I always win this battle and then the box gets recycled. But I let one of the kids THINK they have won, then I win when they leave it on the floor. Nothing survives if left on my floor... Now, I realize this is a lose/lose situation for the kids. I mean, where you do you store a rather large box in a teeny tiny house. But they haven't figured out what a lose/lose situation this is, so I march on. My oldest child, she was delirious over the new vacuum box. Needless to say, her shenanigans scared the dogs. So of course, I approved.

Now, I do realize that is a roll of toilet paper on the counter. I like to call that kleenex. I also realize my house needs a good cleaning and I am currently taking applications for the person who would like to volunteer for that. In the meantime, I have engaged my children in cleaning their respective rooms. This always results in some level of hilarity. For example, oldest daughter found a lovely hair clip belonging to her sister AND her sister's glasses on the floor. Instead of putting them up, she put them on.

But it doesn't stop there. Oldest child then discovers something of her own on the floor. Instead of putting it up, she puts it on the dog.

Needless to say, those applications for volunteers, send them in.

I'm sorry I made you cry, but at least your face is cleaner.

2009-02-03T16:23:00.004-06:00

Oh yeah, for one week and one week only, I am the FEATURED LISTENER at my favorite radio station. That's right, almost 15 entire minutes of fame! Actually, this is one of the best radio stations, I love the DJ's and the music is AWESOME. Plus, totally safe for the kids.

See, I used to listen to a rock station. This was a long time ago. But on Thursday mornings they did something called the dumb, uh, donkey news.... And I listened to it. With my 4 year old in the car. All was fine and dandy until I got a call from the director of the daycare. Apparently another child had done something my own child found distasteful, and my child called the other child a dumb, uh, donkey. That was a wake up call!

In other news, I really don't like my vacuum cleaner. It is one of the ever popular bagless vacuums. You know what this means? While you save money on vacuum bags, you spend even more money on filters that get nasty after three runs through the house. We are not going to talk about how nasty my carpet is, though. Because I'm more concerned about this dreadful vacuum that is making my life miserable. Every time you change the filter, it is impossible to get the silly bagless contraption back together. It will just pop right back apart. It is evil and it lives at my house. So right now, I'm taking vacuum cleaner recommendations. While I would love a Dyson, don't recommend that because I don't have that kind of money laying around, or in the bank even. What say you?

Skippy Jon Jones AKA Skipperdoo

2009-02-01T17:38:00.003-06:00

Hammer only thought he owned the place.... But when Hammer isn't around, the new kid in town, who came complete with her very own toys, grabs Hammer's favorite roosting spot on the arm of the couch. She was being terribly bashful when I tried to get close enough to take her picture. In fact, she was about to run right when I took this shot! She has the cutest, cutest short stubby legs. Perhaps because she is part Dachsund. She reminds me of Falcor in the movie Neverending Story. But don't tell her she looks like a boy, k?

Hammer likes the new girl because she has toys

2009-01-29T20:08:00.003-06:00

I have said it before and I'll say it again. I am not a chef. There, I feel better already. My BFF makes the most wonderful roast and I'm always in awe of everything she makes, not just the roast. So she gives me her secret recipe. Use a packet of au jus, a little bit of water, and a roast. Put it in a crock pot. Cook it. All day. BFF even provided me with her small crock pot and a packet of au jus. I just had to provide water and electricity.

So yesterday morning, okay, okay, yesterday about 1:00 pm, I put half a roast in, added some water and au jus mix, turned the crock pot on low and waited. And waited. I flipped it once. Then waited some more. By 10:00 pm last night, I had a firm, hardened chunk of meat. My kids ate it, but it was NOT the fall apart roast I was dreaming of... Not even close. We had to saw it, against the grain (I know, I know) and nothing....

Today, I had the other half of that roast, and I decided to give it another shot. I started early this time, 9 AM. I decided to marinate with water and italian dressing. This place in Eureka Springs has this amazing roast beef samwich wherein the beef is marinated in italian dressing. Delightful. My mom came around 4:00 pm, and by then, we had another firm, hardened, chunk of meat. So my mom suggests beer. This is not a bad suggestion. What was bad was me pouring the beer into the crock pot in front of my son.

Two more hours, plus beer, and we still had a firm, hardened chunk of meat. But my children still insisted, AFTER eating the McDonald's I picked up because I felt so terrible about the roast, on eating the roast. So we sliced it up, because it was still refusing to fall apart for me, dumb, hard thing.

As my son ate bite after bite, he asked me what I had put in the meat. So I told him about the water, and the italian dressing. He said, "Oh yeah, but there was a special ingredient you put in it and I can taste it. What is it?" At this point, I was so disgusted with the stupid meat door stopper that I was trying to forget it altogether and I certainly didn't recall a "special ingredient." But good old E, he was right there to remind me it was BEER. And he'd sniff it and tell me how he could smell the beer, then he'd chew, then he'd tell me he could TASTE the beer. I reminded him that the alcohol cooks out. To which he advised me that if he got sick later, it was the BEER in the roast. Every other word out of his mouth while he slowly chewed his rubbery beef was BEER.

What's worse is, at an earler point in the evening, I had tried to cut into the roast to see if it was really as hard as it looked. Evan's face hovered close to the pot, Madi hovered close to the pot. That roast was HARD and when I tried to cut it, it laughed and spit hot stewy water/beer/italian dressing out onto all three of us. For Madi and I, it was not too bad. E, however, got it in the face. So prior to them ever eating said roast, I had to nurse a crying E, whose face got burned. Nothing terrible, he is not disfigured.... But he does have some obvious red marks on his face.

The kids have been out school for snow days since Monday afternoon. I am taking a huge risk sending E back to school tomorrow. He's got red marks on his face, and he will not shut up about the beer.....

Unfortunately, sarcasm is not a super power.

2009-01-26T21:02:00.003-06:00

A) When you pour an old beverage our your car window, pour it on the grass, where people don't drive or walk. Don't just splash it out on the drive, where I'm about to drive right into it. P.S., it got on your car.

B) Also, please don't spit your chaw on the sidewalk. I walk there. With my shoes. Then I get in my car. Then I walk into my home. With your saliva and chaw on the bottom of my shoe. EWWWW.....

I like ink pens.

2009-01-23T11:18:00.003-06:00

Yes, I does own the place. Who wantz to know? I loungez wherevers I wants to.

Have you heard of Emmett Till?

2009-01-22T21:06:00.005-06:00

On Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. day, the kids and I did the most appropriate thing possible. We visited the one of the locations that made history in the Civil Rights Movement, Little Rock, Arkansas. More specifically, the Little Rock Nine. What these nine children endured, for the sake of this movement, brings tears to my eyes. But endure most of them did and history was made.

The school is still fully functional, and still extremely beautiful. It was a highly desired school then, its academics some of the top in the Nation. According to some sources, it remains an excellent school.

A lot of people cite Rosa Parks when discussing the Civil Rights Movement. While I do believe she was a pivotal player, I believe credit is due many, many, many others as well. The Little Rock Nine, and their leader, Daisy Bates, don't get the recognition they so well deserve. That is just my humble opinion. Daisy Bates is a woman who made it her life's mission to see that everyone was treated as an equal. No one is better than any other. That sentiment still speaks to me today.

If you have a moment, you should read up on some of the amazing people that helped the Civil Rights Movement ensure equal rights for everyone.

A Llama??!!?? He's supposed to be DEAD!

2009-01-21T19:43:00.005-06:00

Has it been cold lately? Yeah, yeah. Well, you, internets, are going to be SO jealous of where I went this weekend. Because check check ya'll....

Oh yeah, MIAMI baby!!! So while you guys were in various states of chill, I was in various states of MIAMI!

Okay, not really. It was only Miami, Oklahoma, pronounced My-am-uh. Don't ask me, I don't know why. Anyhoo, we embarked on a road trip to New York, despite road advisories that I opted to completely ignore. Until we got into Missouri, close to Saint Louis, and had a nice visit with a ditch. After that visit, we decided, meaning I decided, heck with this, I'm not interested in being trapped in New York when I have obligations next week like crazy so let's re-route South. So we did. Still not to Miami. Not even to My-am-uh. But instead to Nashville, Tennessee. We took some awesome shots of the scenery in SE MO.

We arrived in Nashville, but not before I managed to put the wrong gas in my car. Which lead me to a whole new venue about SIGNS, maybe read them.... Nashville is really pretty.

We drove around in some neighborhoods in Nashville and admired the local architecture...

...took a spin down Music Row, did a drive by on the Hard Rock Cafe (because let's face it, the food there isn't that great), and finally ate at the Rainforest Cafe.

We also took in a movie (Paul Blart, Mall Cop). Pretty funny if you like slap stick humor.

Most of all, many thanks to J., who gave me the most wonderful advice for our Nashville visit!

Is someone watching your child?

2009-01-19T21:50:00.001-06:00

Detective Kemmet, with the Oklahoma City Police Department, is a major pioneer in tracking and catching predators. The type of predator he tracks and catches are the types of predators that like our children. In 2004, Kemmet developed the Threat Recognition and Interdiction System (TRAIS), which is a combined computer and investigatory tool used by law enforcement to detect and interdict predatory activity. Kemmet is currently the director of the Criminal Intelligence Unit for the Oklahoma City Police Department, where he specializes in predatory identification and interdiction.

While it is sad that this type of crime exists, it does. So rather than hide our heads in the sand and hope law enforcement does its job, there are many tips out there to help parents take a proactive step in either thwarting predators or helping law enforcement stay on top of predators.

Here are just a few of the tips:

1) Know where your children are going on the internet, just like you know where they are going when the head out the door.

2) You do know where your kids are going when they head out the door, right?

3) Parental email monitoring. You see all of your children's emails and approve of them (your kid gets them) or decline them (they go in the trash)www.ezpzemail.com

4) Take a picture of someone if that someone gives you the creeps. That's when a camera phone comes in super handy!

5) Those stickers on the back of your car with your child's name and your child's sport? Take them off. A predator can approach your child with familiarity. They have your child's name and your child's activities. "Hey Sara, I'm Josh's father, from your soccer team. Your mom sent me to pick you up today......"

What does that really mean, anyway?

2009-01-15T21:34:00.003-06:00

It snowed this morning in the OKC Metro area. The snow swirled and danced around, in no apparent hurry to reach the ground (I think it is because the 20 stray cats across the street might pee on it). My children danced and cheered. They were SO excited about the snow. Right up until the remembered that it was not going to stick. Then they were like, MAN, Oklahoma... and they shook their little heads in disgust.

I tried another recipe tonight. The kids ate it. But, it was almost too complicated for me to think about doing it again. It was light meatloaf. So it had lean ground beef, rolled oats, onion, roasted red peppers, and parmesan. Oh yeah, and an egg and one egg white. I know nothing about this sounds all that complicated, I guess it was just the requirement that I have a blasted food processor, which I don't have, that made it not as fun for me. So instead of severely chopped rolled oats, we had just plain old rolled oats. And as for making a puree out of the roasted red peppers, FOILED AGAIN! Oh well, the kids ate it. All of it. So I don't care about puree'd stuff or chopped stuff or even your mom for crying out loud.

I am dealing with a "good ole boy" attorney in a case. He made mention of my "inexperience" this evening. He could not wait to get that dig in after seeing my bar number in court the other day. The good news is, pretty much ALL of my mentors told me there would be some a**hole that would play that card. They also told me to ignore him. So I am. John who? And also, snow who?

Rapid or Vapid

2009-01-13T19:38:00.003-06:00

What I failed to mention in my last post is that I wasn't posting because I was so busy checking all of YOUR blogs to see if you were posting and if you weren't posting everyday, I would go "tsk, tsk" because I think you should post a new blog every single day.

Tonight I tried a new recipe. One of my resolutions is to try 2-3 new recipes a week. I tend to make the same things over and over and variety is the spice of life or some crap like that. One of my favorite chefs is Rachael Ray. Before you start groaning, I just want to say that I am a total klutz in the kitchen. I can totally burn boiling water, or the sleeve on my shirt. Ms. Ray's recipes are generally doable for me. So I like her. The recipe I tried was called Baked Nestled Eggs. It is one of the recipes that falls under Ten Spot, which means it costs less than ten buckaroos to make. YES!!! It included eggs, red bell peppers, rice, butternut squash, onion, etc. It was interesting. My middle child, who HATES EVERYTHING I COOK or even think about cooking, actually walked by the recipe page, sitting non-chalantly on the counter and remarked, "mmmm.... that looks good." I was stunned. Normally I hear how nasty it (whatever recipe I have laying around) will taste followed in quick succession by vomiting sounds.

The remains from the recipe were just beautiful. I don't know why I thought so, but I did.

The recipe itself was odd, and a smidge bland. Although the butternut squash was very flavorful. I have never had butternut squash so I was a wee bit wary on that front. No worries, I am trying something new tomorrow. Something NOT burnt I hope, but something sure to make my middle child want to throw up.

Yellow Ledbetter

2009-01-12T18:26:00.004-06:00

Has anyone noticed that I haven't posted for an entire week? Because I sure didn't notice. I can tell you how very happy I have been the past week. For instance, one day it was 75 degrees. The following day it was 30. My sinuses have completely gone on strike and I cannot blame them one bit, even though when they are on strike like this, I feel kind of yucky. Kleenex, however, sent me a memo granting me a GOLD STAR in appreciation of my kleenex usage this week.

In other news, I took my children to see Marley & Me. My middle child has read the book and warned us about the, uh, outcome. Nevertheless, we are TOUGH. We all left the theater crying (my oldest was only crying on the inside, but whatever). It took my son nearly an hour to calm down. Won't be making the "sad movie" mistake again.

Finally, I got my carpets cleaned. What with trying to sell the house and all, I would like the house to look crisp and clean. My two little dogs, love their gizzards, decided to take this opportunity to piss in the house, AFTER the carpets were freshly steamed. I have decided, for now, to let them both live.

Okay, that's all for now. I might be back to gripe tomorrow. You just never know.

All Soft and Cuddly

2009-01-04T18:11:00.002-06:00

M: Don't be surprised if when I start middle school, if I have a boyfriend.

Me: Why?

M: Because, I'm attractive. I WILL have a boyfriend.

Me: [Stunned Silence]

M: And also, I'm not bringing my boyfriend to our apartment. Ever.

Me: Uh, okay. Why?

M: Because YOU will embarass me.

Me: [thinking about the baby butt shot in the scrap book box in the garage....]

A Year in Review

2008-12-30T22:01:00.004-06:00

I blogged briefly, then stopped. After all, who wants to read my ramblings? I sometimes cannot stand going back and re-reading things I have written, primarily because I think proof reading is for wussies. In actuality, proof reading is for smart people. No comment on where I fall in those classifications, I feel what I am is evident..... Nevertheless, when my BFF started blogging again, the nine year old in me felt competitive, so now I blog on a semi-sort of- most of the time - regular basis.

And now, the moment I am positive each and every one of the my two readers have been waiting for, a recap of 2008....

08) I started my final semester of law school.

13) I pondered another career, like maybe botany.

1) Ice Storm 2008. Seriously. No snow, ice. Wrecked the trees, and most of the electrical lines.

A) I finished my last semester of law school.

B) I graduated from law school. Okay, I went to graduation. Wore the silly gown they made me pay like $90.00 to rent and then return to them the moment I stepped back in the lobby. Walked at the graduation. Took off my cap. Took terrible photos.

2) While the kids were still in school, I started bar preparation classes.

23) The kids finished their school year (8th grade, 4th grade and 2nd grade).

11) I continued bar preparation classes, all the while wondering if I passed my last semester of law school and if I really needed to be in bar preparation classes or petitioning the school to let me take one more class.

&) Passed my last semester of law school. Degree conferred. **Sigh**

H) Middle child, M, continued to complain about this ailment and that. Turns out her natural pacemaker wasn't functioning. Trips to the heart doctor. Plus studying for the bar exam AND trying to make sure my other two children took baths every now and then.

P) Worked on getting D, my oldest, ready for high school. Discussed boys and such. Discussed an in-district transfer. Mulled it over, went for it, basically signing myself up to do all the transporting.

18) Tried to convince E his toenails really did need clipped. Hello.

SN) Studied and studied and studied some more. Up a lot of nights, not studying, but making sure M's heart was beating. It was.

24) Tried to convince D she doesn't need a hundred million trillion books. There are libaries, right?

G) Broke down, asked my mommy to watch my kids for two days while I ripped my hair out, I mean, while I took the bar exam.

7) Took the bar exam. Didn't die. Began the excruciating 6 week wait for results.

Z) Got kids ready for school. Oldest child started high school. Tried not to freak out too terribly her first day. Two youngest still in elementary. I'm okay with that for now.

N) Discovered that my oldest child is one of the freaking coolest people I know. Wondered how I lived with her 14 years and didn't realize this before now.

76) Found out the job I thought I had, I didn't have. Took a temp job. Humiliated while doing secretarial work at a firm where a classmate got a job.

E) PASSED THE BAR EXAM!!!!

F) Decided to open my own firm.

N) Tried to find reasons to like Oklahoma. Struggled.

I) Started selling stuff on ebay to make ends meet while trying to drum up clients. Learned there are a few whackjobs out there with internet service and money to burn. There are also MANY great people.

11) Drummed up clients. Tried to regain confidence when bullied by older attorneys. I know this stuff.

5) Learned M's heart problem was caused by hormones. Self corrected. Breathed a HUGE sigh of relief.

y) Decided I have too much STUFF. Had fun selling it on ebay.

N) Decided to move to the East Coast. Had more incentive to CLEAN OUT THE HOUSE. Enjoyed every minute of it.

N) Put the house on the market.

U) Enjoyed how very healthy and bright my children are.

B) Came up with a new year's resolution: Be a smart aleck. Feel like I'm pretty close on this one.

7) It's early yet, but I imagine I will go to bed well before midnight. See you next year.

2008-12-24T14:47:00.002-06:00

I'z wanted to goes outside yeserday, but it was cold.

Mebee it be okay, cuz the new girl, she let me cuddles wis her. We cuddles, see?

And look, later, she cuddles by me some mores. We best frienz. She still won't play wis me, but it cold so I like to cuddles too.

By the way, you all know Hammer, aka Road Rage, our bostihuahua. Our new chihuahua (the small one in the photos), her name is Rennie.

Stop Being Nosy!

2008-12-23T15:45:00.002-06:00

For some reason, I find the Duggar parents completely irresponsible.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28053565/?gt1=43001

I know that one reason is the huge parenting burden shared by the elder children. Instead of being normal children, they are forced into this pseudo-parenthood way too young. Children should have responsibilities, to be sure. But caring for younger siblings ALL THE TIME is too much in my opinion. I think these people aren't parents so much as they are rabbits, mating and leaving their young for someone else to raise.

The Things My Middle Child Says

2008-12-22T07:20:00.002-06:00

M: I have something to tell you mom and you’ll definitely want to take me out of school..... maybe.

Me: What is it?

M: There is this one boy, they don't go to church and I don't think they believe in Jesus. That makes them those atheists. You don't want me in class with one of those do you?

Me: How do you know they don't believe in Jesus?

M: I just don't think they do. They don't even go to church.

Me: [Thinking..... nice try, but no cigar....]
__________________________________________________________________

M: I need to bring my lunch now. There were chicken organs on my chicken leg at school today.

Me: Like what organs?

M: I don’t know, the brain and maybe some kidney. It was gross.

2008-12-20T13:35:00.004-06:00

When your chillen's are tired, and they start acting delirious, it's best to get the camera out. You just never know what will come of it. For instance, pigs might fly. Mainly only in cartoons, but flying is flying, right? First, D discovered that she is small enough to fit in one of E's shirts.

E, not to be outdone, put on one of HER shirts. I put my foot down when it came to actually going out in public like this. Your hair's not brushed? I can live with that. You are wearing camo paints with a plaid shirt? I can live with that. You are wearing your sister's shirt? Not so much.

School Rules

2008-12-17T21:27:00.002-06:00

I sniffed her butt, she sniffed mine. We did our butt sniffery and nowwebestfrienzandIwanttoplaylet’splayplayplay. So I try to play with hers and hers says NO. So I get a toy and I play with it in front of her so she see how much fun she missing, plus, looks, I don’t needs hers to have fun. Then we butt sniffery again, and nowwebestfrienzandIwanttoplayrightnowrightnowyaynewfriend... But her still says no. Mebee I smell bad. I sad.